Blog readers: one week.

***Update: In my next post, I will attempt to articulate how blessed I've been by all the support we've received this week. Right now we are down to less than 24 hours of this post being up, and I'm still in shameless fundraising mode. We are less than $900 from our goal of $3000! If you are reading this, will you consider making a donation to help with that first payment we have coming up? Yes, YOU, blog reader! We'd be FOREVER grateful. I promise, tomorrow I will stop asking. :)

I keep saying that a post is coming about how we plan to pay for this adoption. Well, here it is! (And I'll give you a hint: it involves all of you and that little link over to the right.)

Here's my strategy in a nutshell. These are to be spread over the next 2 years:

Step #1: Ask my online blog community and FB friends to help.
Step #2: Write a letter to family and close friends to see if they want to help.
Step #3: Have the biggest garage sale possible in June.
Step #4: After our homestudy is approved we can apply for grants--any and all grants for which we are eligible. At least one is a "matching"grant.
Step #5: Get creative with fundraisers...maybe a silent auction or benefit concert?
Step #5: Take out an interest-free loan if needed. (Available through non-profits.)

If you read how we came around to this decision, you'll remember that the financial aspect was the one thing holding us back from adopting. I told Trent that the thought of asking people to help us pay for this was more than humbling--it was borderline humiliating. I didn't know if we could or should do that. Some people would love it, and others think it horribly tacky and not approve.

Some of you will still think that! And I apologize. Come back next week for cute blog pictures and no requests for cash. But enough others have seemed genuinely excited that they might be able to help financially. And we need you. Last year I found out that one of my blog friends had donated to another blog friend's adoption--these 2 moms had never met. I asked the Rory why she did that. She said that she and her husband had a heart for adoption, but they probably were not going to adopt themselves. She had been very touched by Kristen's story and journey to adopt. This was a way for them to follow their heart and care for a child, without adding another kiddo to their own household. I think many people feel exactly the same way.

And also, as I've mentioned before, we just had such a peace about this decision to adopt internationally. We prayed and talked and prayed and truly felt God was saying : DO THIS. We honestly have nothing more than an emergency fund in our savings, so the only way to "do this" would be to invite others to participate.

SO. Here's your chance to participate! I'm going to keep this post up for exactly one week. I'm making an appeal to my blog readers and this "community" we have through blogs and facebook, to help us reach our first payment of $3,000. (Or even the next $3,000 payment this summer? Do I dream?) Google analytics tells me that more people have been reading my blog since I started talking about adoption. Would you like to support us in this crazy, wonderful journey? I'm surprised all the time by people who are reading my blog: my parents' friends, my childhood friends, my extended family, my friends' parents, friends of friends of friends. Whether you are a regular commenter, an occasional reader whom I've never met or a facebook friend who wandered over here for the first time, I'm asking for your help. I feel vulnerable, embarrassed, excited and hopeful all at the same time.

A gal in my choir heard a story of an adoptive family being given $10,000 by someone they barely knew who was so moved by the family's decision. She told me she's praying for that! It would be awesome, don't get me wrong, but I think we'll meet our goal with many smaller gifts. No amount is too small. You can click the link above on the right to go through Paypal. You may even be able to do it anonymously. (I'll look into that.) If you'd rather write a check, I'd be more than happy to mail you a self-addressed, stamped envelope. I'm so sorry I can't figure out a way to make it tax-deductible, because any funds will be used directly to pay the agency for their services. If you have questions, feel free to contact me at jen_tompkins[AT]comcast[DOT]net.

And lastly, if you can't or don't feel comfortable giving financially, we need help collecting items for our garage sale! If you live anywhere near us, we'd be glad to come and pick up. We're especially looking for big-ticket items like electronics and furniture, but we'll take just about anything in good condition.

That's all. This post is already (true to form) wordy and long, but I hope you can read my heart behind the appeal. Much love and thanks to all of you.

Cupcakes for Chad

And also for Mike, Jess, Eric, Jim, Dana and Michelle. Any other Nike employees read my blog? They're for you too. I wanted Chad to see what they looked like before most of the swooshes broke in half prior to his birthday dinner. :( Here are some that I made for a baby shower a few weeks ago. The baby's name is "Claire."

Strange Milestone

Strange milestone: awkward conversation with a stranger about adoption. Check.

Yesterday we all trucked down to the Oregon State Police building to get fingerprinted for local and state background checks. (Another one for federal FBI coming later.) We sat patiently--as patiently as you can sit with 2 small children--in a small room the size of Carson's bedroom as the overly chatty fingerprinting-guy helped and gabbed with 2 gals from a nursing school who were in front of us. Then it was my turn, so I paid and gave him our paperwork.

As we were waiting for the computer to load (digital fingerprinting is the best way to go, but you still have to rely on the computer), this was our conversation:

Chatty man: You guys doing foster care or adopting?
Me: Adopting.
CM: Really? Someone you know?
Me: Uh, no.
CM: A stranger?
Me: Uh....a baby from Thailand.
CM: REALLY? Thailand?
Me: Yep!
[silent, awkward pause as we both stared at the computer screen, wishing it would boot up already]
CM: I've heard of them coming from China, but not Thailand. Why Thailand?
Me: Well, uh, it was a long decision process and it was just the best choice for us. We're really excited.
CM: But isn't is that so expensive?
Me: Yep.
CM: Why didn't you get a kid from Haiti?
Me: We looked into that, but it's not an option right now.
CM: Huh.
Me:[nodding awkwardly]
CM: OK, so please put your right thumb right here....

I knew it was coming, and this was actually mild compared to some of the situations I'm preparing myself for, especially in 2 years when I have a blonde, a redhead and a black-haired baby in tow.

I'm completely aware that a lot of people either don't "get" adoption, or they have minor or major reservations about it. And I need to be able to be OK with not everyone thinking this is the best decision ever--and voicing those thoughts. I had a great conversation with a mom this weekend who adopted about 12 years ago. I'm soaking up her knowledge. (Yeah--you know who you are!) She pointed out that most people you find yourself in a conversation with have good intentions, they just have no frame of reference. They may say something completely offensive out of ignorance. (FYI, if you remember one thing, remember to take the word "real" out of your vocabulary when referring to birth parents or biological children. A child's "real" parent is the one who raises them.) But unless you or someone close to you has gone through an adoption, why would you know how to act, what terms to use and how to keep from coming across rudely? Adoption is a huge unknown, even to me. Even to my friends and family. We have so much to learn.

Speaking of learning, a friend of mine who is an adoption social worker told me that she has worked with several birth moms here on the west coast who are specifically looking for an adoptive family who already has children. So, the information that I had (that most US birth moms will select a childless couple) is not true in every case.

We found out recently that another couple we know is adopting. They are almost done with the process, and are just now telling friends and family. So, you know, basically the polar opposite from us! But it fits them. And this [publishing every minor detail from the beginning] fits me. I'm learning so much already, even in only 2.5 months. And whether you are going to be an important part in my child's daily life or you are just a casual blog-reader, I think you can learn a few things too.

Monkey & Birdie living together in harmony

If I'm to believe what I've been told, we've got another 18 years or so of my kids fighting. Even at this young age, they've mastered the art of driving each other nuts (and therefore driving me nuts). I don't know if it's universal, but I know it's the same scenario that played out in MY house when I was growing up: little sibling brilliantly knows exactly how to annoy big sibling to the maximum level, big sibling overreacts outrageously. Repeat. Ad nausea.

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Sydney is still just young enough that I can't always let them "work it out" by themselves, but goodness do I try to stay out of it. She has a tendency to plant her skinny little body ON TOP of Carson, or touch him, push him, hit him, take his toy or his cup or his snack or find some other way to get his attention without words. I hear this often being screamed from the other room: "NO SYDNEY NO SYDNEY NO!" Carson then has a decibel shattering meltdown, completely inconsolable that Sydney "will want to keep my sippy cup FOR! EVER!!!!!!!!!"

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Oy. But they also have times when they are best friends. Then I'm the one who overreacts, trying to make such a big deal about it that they will love the positive feedback and try it more often. Maybe I've overdone it a little too much, because anytime Carson is nice to Sydney for 5 seconds, he tells me to get the camera and take a picture of it. Kind of like evidence he can point to when I tell him he's not being nice. "But remember that one picture? Of that one time? I am nice!" But sometimes I do take a pic because it is so stinkin' cute. Here is proof that the Monkey and the Bird have had some happy moments.

Oh look. I can tell by the clothes that this was the same day, but that Carson may have *ahem* had an accident because he's wearing different pants. He's reading "Germs are Not for Sharing" to her.

PS: Carson HAS had a haircut since these pics were taken of his shaggy mane. But evidently he hasn't been nice to Sydney since the cut, because I don't have a picture of the new 'do.

We're in!

Got an email last night welcoming us to the Thailand adoption program. Our application and our family have officially been accepted and now we're really on our journey to our little Thai baby. Yeah!

Why does [this] adoption cost so much?!

As I've told the story of our decision to adopt several times in the last month, others seem as shocked as we were at the cost for an international adoption. I cannot speak for anyone else's experience, but I thought I would give a list and description of fees, as explained to us by our agency. Some of these descriptions come straight from Holt, some are my own interpretation or assumption (subject to be completely wrong, btw). Some of the descriptions may seem repetetive, but as I mentioned previously, these numbers were not very different from several agencies we looked at. In other words, I trust the agency that this is the amount it takes to get the job done. If it makes you a little queasy to look at, you are not alone! But we've chosen to look at these numbers long and hard to truly understand what's coming. Soon you'll see a post about how we hope to pay these fees! I'm going into detail because I love that so many of you are coming along with us on this journey and learning as we learn. Hope you are curious and not bored yet.

Application fee: $300

This was the non-refundable fee that accompanied the application, along with copies of the last 3 years tax info, pictures of our family and the exterior of our home, and several basic questions.



Adoption/Family study: $2900

This is what we will pay to Holt for a social worker to turn our lives upside down and inside out to determine if we are fit to parent an adopted child! I'm sure I'll post later about all the minutiae involved in this extensive step. Our part of the process has begun, as we have paperwork to complete on every aspect of our lives, including physical, mental, financial, educational, etc. We will each meet with the social worker individually and also as a couple and as a family for extensive interviews. She'll do a study of our house and see if it is appropriate for another kiddo. I think most of the fee for this study is to pay the social worker. She's the investigator here, and she compiles the information into one long assessment of us. Our end is a lot of work, but her end sounds like a lot of work, too. The fee is due before we meet with the social worker, probably within the next month.



Dossier Fee: $3000

Until 2 months ago, I didn't even know how to pronounce the word "dossier," let alone know what it entails. (BTW, it's "doss-ee-ay.") Basically it is a huge ol' packet of information on us (including the final assessment from our home study) that is sent to our child's birth country, for them to review, approve and then match to a child. This fee covers the cost of facilitating the adoption arrangements with agency and government officials in the US and Thailand, and between US & Thailand, coordinating services with international social workers, administrative/office expenses and telephone expenses. Many pieces of information in this dossier packet have to be notarized, then signed & sealed by local, state & federal officials before being sent to Thailand. This fee will be billed when the home study is approved and received by Holt and the dossier is ready to go. (I'm hoping that is early or mid-summer, but that is just my guess. We've been told we probably need to wait to send out the dossier until Syd is 2, which is June 26.)



Adoption Program Fee: $9890

Yep, that's the big chunk. (And it's actually $11290. See below.) This is Holt's main fee for walking us through this huge maze, step-by-step. It is a little bit more than some other smaller agencies, but not as much as others, and we decided it was worth a few hundred extra bucks for an agency that we were very impressed with from day one (and local to boot). This contributes to costs involved with facilitating the adoption, including background and medical information and identification of child & birth mother, social services home and abroad, accepting legal responsibility for the child prior to adoption finalization, legal fees, foster or child care, medical expenses and passport and US visa fees in the child's country. It's basically the fee for holding our hands for 2 years. This fee may also cover child welfare projects in the child's country of origin. This fee is due next year when we accept a referral for a specific child. The estimated wait time between finishing the home study and receiving a referral for a child is 10-12 months.



Post-placement services: $1400

This is the fee for Holt and the same social worker to have several follow-up visits with us and our newly adopted child in our home. They will see how we are adjusting and help us find help for any challenges we are facing. This is also due at the same time as the adoption program fee, when we accept a referral for a specific child. This step is legally required by most birth countries.



Non-agency related fees:

Travel expenses: estimated $8,000-$9,000

I KNOW, right? First of all, we'll need 2 tickets to Bangkok and it is very strongly recommended we get a third ticket for little Peanut on the way home. It is also very strongly recommended that we get open-ended tickets--can't remember the technical term for those. The reason being, this is a hugely important trip that revolves around government meetings with US and Thai officials in Bangkok to ensure we take care of the adoption papers properly. What if a scheduled meeting was postponed from Monday to Wednesday, and our flight was scheduled to leave on Tuesday? We'd be up a creek. This trip to Thailand to get our babe is the equivalent in importance to the birth of our first 2 children. We want to make sure we have all our bases covered. The airfare will be the biggest portion of this expense, but staying in a hotel for approximately 10 days and eating during those 10 days are also included in this expense.



Misc fees that I do know about (with many more to come that I have no idea about yet): (We've been told these misc fees average around $1500.)

*Local fingerprinting for state background checks: $50

*Federal FBI fingerprinting: $150

*Official copies of marriage and birth certificates: $200

*Paying for a courier service to take our docs around Washington, DC to get stamped and signed by different government entities, so that we don't have to wait weeks for an envelope to be mailed down the street from the Thai embassy to the US State Dept.: $300-$500

*Passport renewals: $70

*Mileage for the social worker to come from Portland for several visits, $ .50/mile x 100 miles round trip, about 7-8 times: approximately $400

*Buying a fire extinguisher for our house: ???

So, as you can see, these numbers are scary. But I have such a peace about this decision, that I can type them out and describe them without breaking a sweat. :) I can't explain it, but I've rarely in my life felt God leading me so strongly in a direction as I have on this path to our adopted child. "All I have needed Thy hand has provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me." I'm singing it in advance, knowing He will provide.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

....when "we" need to make dinner, so "we" allow "our" son to play with an old ball of yarn that he found from that one month five years ago when "we" thought knitting sounded like fun, and then "our" son unspools the entire 200 yards throughout the house, wrapping it around everything from the bed to the toilet to the tv to the front door knob to the couch to "our" daughter. A very, very, VERY tangled web indeed.

(Just in case my wordy, witty humor confused you, we=me.)

Baby Love

We miss our family & friends that live "up north" a ways, and we try to get together with them as often as possible. We have a group of five couples that have had 10 kids in 4.5 years! It's so fun for all the kids to play together, but it's also special when we get to have a one-on-one visit. Sometimes I'm itching to see my niece and nephew especially, so we went for a little visit last week to get some hugs in. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of Jack! In my defense, he moves a lot more than baby Kaitlyn.

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Both my kids happen to be pretty interested in babies right now. Sydney was lovin' on her little cuz quite a bit. Katie was a good sport, but not thrilled at all the man-handling.
I didn't have Sydney hold Kaitlyn, but she got as close as she could. In fact, I'm pretty sure once she tried to lay ON Kate.

I love her hair!

These last 2 are my favorites! So glad Carson got some smiles out of her! Check out the dimples!

We love you guys and thanks for letting us visit!

The Adoption Triad

We have received our preliminary acceptance to our adoption agency, and are waiting only for acceptance into the Thailand program (which is the US staff here in Oregon who know that country's situation, criteria and policies very well). We've received a BIG packet of information to prepare us for our home study, or our family study, which is an invasive, yet necessary, process of having a social worker comb through every aspect of our lives--interviews, home inspections, medical and financial reports, references, etc. We have to pay to get fingerprinted and get several original copies of all of our marriage and birth certificates. It's overwhelming, but kind of nice to have the ball in our court for a little while, because most of the next 2 years it will not be!

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I've still been reading quite a bit, and we'll also be taking a 2 day adoption education class in May. One thing I've been reading about lately is called the adoption triad, or the three parties that are forever linked through adoption: the birth mother (or parents), the child, and the adoptive parents. I read a fascinating chapter in "The Family of Adoption" about the birth mother. (In some cases of international adoption, the birth father is involved, but in many cases, he is not, so for ease of writing, I'm just going to refer to the mother.) This particular book talked about how many birth mothers do not process the grief of "losing" their child to adoption. Many times it is not discussed or even kept secret, or the mother might really want to raise the child, but simply cannot due to her circumstances. Each year on the child's birthday, the birth mother thinks of her baby, and wonders how he or she is doing.

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To be honest, I hadn't given a ton of thought to the birth mother of our child. And when I think of other families I know who have adopted, I am focused on the child and adoptive parents. But as we learn more about our particular process with Thailand, I started tallying the timeline we've been given. The process takes about 2 years, and most of the babies/children are between 14-17 months when the parents can travel to Bangkok to bring them home. That means that the birth mother of Carson & Sydney's little sibling is pregnant right now.

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We've been told that the Holt Sahathai organization operates a kind of crisis pregnancy center, and comes into contact with pregnant woman who need counseling. The main reasons for a birth mother to plan for adoption for her baby is extreme poverty, or the inability to parent as an unwed mother. Whatever her reasoning is, now I can't stop thinking about her. She probably knows she's pregnant, and is trying to figure out what in the world to do. Maybe she's trying to figure out a way to make it work, but eventually will decide to allow her baby to be adopted to give him the best life possible. Those of us who have given birth know how attached you become to your unborn child. It's almost indescribable. My heart aches for this (young?) woman as I think about how HER heart will ache. How can I even begin to comprehend how agonizing that moment will be? It causes a bit of survivor's guilt, really. Her loss is my gain. I will forever be grateful that she had the strength to make that choice--even if she hasn't even made it yet. Our deep desire is to always speak with love and respect for this woman that we'll probably never meet, but always cherish.

"Gymnastics"

We've had a really fun diversion for the last couple of months. Carson took a class at the community center. We called it "gymnastics" but it was kind of pre-gymnastics. I also call it "get out of the house and let my kid run around for 55 minutes under someone else's supervision." The best part was that it was a STEAL! $25 for 3 days a week for 2 months. Turns out that was actually a little TOO frequent for our family, and we missed a few days, but it was well worth the money.

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Carson LOVED it. It's good for me to see him in situations like this, because he seems to do really well in group environments. (Hear this mama breath a hugh sigh of relief.) He saves his dark side for the private sector. Carson was a great listener, he was motivated by the action to obey his teachers quickly, and he was a quick study. These pics aren't fantastic, but I think they really capture Carson's excitement.

The teachers (2 college guys) did a good job of being patient with a bunch of preschoolers and challening them.

There were about 8 kids enrolled, but usually averaged about 4-5 at a time. They did LOTS of obstacle courses.

Carson got really confident at walking across these "beams." There was another set that was even higher than this one!

And this is what Sydney and I did each time! What you don't see is a stroller tray full of goldfish crackers that usually kept her going. Soon it will be her turn!

Adoption Semantics

"Wait...what? You guys are adopting?"

If you missed the blognouncement, click HERE to read the story behind our new adventure!

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Those of you who have been pregnant know that it is a very eye-opening experience--in many ways. One thing I remember was the realization that comments I had made to pregnant women in the past were totally not appropriate. I remember a gorgeous, superskinny acquaintance I had who became pregnant. This gal was such a supermodel, I thought her self-esteem (pre and during pregnancy) would render my new nickname "Chubby" totally hilarious to both of us, as we had a very teasing relationship. But when I tried it out, she wasn't really laughing. Hmmm--duly noted.

FYI, pretty much THE ONLY acceptable comments to make about a pregnant women's appearance are "You're already ____ weeks?!" (Thus making her feel small) or "You look (fantastic, adorable, glowing, teeny, amazing, beautiful, etc.)." NEVER say "You look like you're about to pop," or "You're ONLY ______ weeks?!" thus making her feel like a beached whale.

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As I mentioned previously, we have been doing lots of reading about adoption. (OK, I read, then pass on the really good books or chapters to Trent.) So far I've read (or thoroughly skimmed) How to Adopt Internationally; The Lucky Ones; I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla; The Family of Adoption; The Essential Link: Attachment Information for Adoptive Parents; and The Complete Book of International Adoption. The last one had a really interesting table in one of the chapters that dealt with adoption language. Total "a-ha" moment for me! So, as I'm determined to become the new poster child for adoption awareness, welcome to my first blog lesson on adoption: adoption language. (Adoptive parents or adoptees, please feel free to add or edit any of these from your own experiences.)

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Inaccurrate language: Real parent/real mother/natural parent

Accurate: Birth parent/biological parent

Inaccurate: Blood relative

Accurate: Birth relative

Inaccurate: My adopted child
Accurate: My child

Inaccurate: My own child
Accurate: My biological child

Inaccurate: Adoptive parent
Accurate: Parent

Inaccurate: Gave up for adoption/ put up for adoption
Accurate: Chose or made an adoption plan

Inaccurate: Illegitmate
Accurate: Born to unwed mother or unmarried parents

Inaccurate: Keeping your baby
Accurate: Deciding to parent/raise child

Inaccurate: Foreign adoption/foreign country
Accurate: International/Intercountry adoption/birth country

Inaccurate:Handicapped child/hard to place
Accurate:Child with special needs/waiting child

Inaccurate: track down parents
Accurate: search

Inaccurate: adopting a pet
Accurate: finding a pet

The author also talked about how to have a conversation or pleasant stranger-in-the-store-chitchat with a family who has probably adopted internationally. The first rule of thumb? Always start with a compliment--a compliment about ALL of the children if there are more than one. Cute kids, well-behaved--pick a feature. Do not point, don't draw attention to the kids, and don't talk about the children like they are not there. Ie: "Where did you get those two?" If you are curious, then ask permission to ask. You know the drill: "May I ask..." then remember the lingo previously mentioned. "May I ask if your family adopted?" It also never hurts to say WHY you want to know. If you are just plain nosey, then perhaps MYOB and stop after the compliment. If you or someone you love is pursuing international adoption, then tell the adult as much in one sentence or less. But whatever you do, KEEP IT BRIEF! She's there to shop and if she has a kid with her, it's already a big enough challenge!

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Interesting stuff to ponder, huh? I know it's already changed the way I speak about this topic. I hope you enjoyed your first lesson. :)

A long story about my awesome husband is.

Background: I actually wrote the first half of this post in October. I was waiting to get the photos to go along with it. Then Trent got anxious about patient privacy and asked me not to post it. I had to wait 6 months, but last night I was able to ask the patient and her family for express permission to post this, first name included! So, here's the first half of the story. I will try to post the marathon pics soon--they are still in someone else's possession.

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The funny thing about being married to someone in the health field (Trent is a physical therapist in neuro-muscular rehab) is that my glimpse into his work life is limited. He can tell me about his day, his coworkers, and sometimes he tells me he had a rough or a rewarding patient, but because of patient confidentiality, he can't tell me much more. And he absolutely never tells me the name of any of his patients, even if I know them and they've said it is OK!

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Then last spring he told me he was thinking about offering to push one of his pediatric patients in the Portland marathon. He explained that he had been working with this girl for 5 years and had gotten to know her and her family pretty well. She'd always wanted to be in a race, but her disease left her wheelchair-bound. Her uncle, who was a runner, had the idea to push her in a marathon, and Trent volunteered to share the pushing duties over the 26.2 mile course.

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Finally, when all this was set in stone and the newspaper had been called, Trent agreed that I was going to find out anyway, so he could tell me this special girl's name is Sarah. Sarah has arthrogryposis multiplex congenita. I'm sure I will give incorrect details if I give too many (and probably will anyway), so I will summarize and say that AMC is caused when any condition leads to lack of movement in utero, which causes the joints to fuse incorrectly. It's characterized by multiple contractures (like fusing) of joints throughout the body. In Sarah's case, long-term therapy (with Trent) helps her obtain and perhaps improve her movement abilities. I wish Trent blogged so he could tell you more! You'll have to ask him in person.

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Trent and Uncle Gary were both of the same mind that this marathon was all about Sarah! She had her own entry number and her name was on her special jogging stroller (that weighed about 100 lbs, mind you.) Trent said that virtually every person they passed was cheering loudly for Sarah! Other runners came up to meet her and cheer her on and encourage Trent and Gary. Having her name on the stroller was genius, because thousands of complete strangers were hollering her name for five straight hours! What an amazing and wonderful experience for her first race! He said it was everything they had hoped it would be. Trent and Gary switched off pushing the stroller about every mile or so, and they finished in just about the time they had expected. This was Trent's eleventh marathon, so he's had the rush of completing before, but he said getting to see Sarah with her own medal around her neck was rewarding on a whole new level. It probably goes without saying, but of course I will say it: I am so proud of Trent--not only for doing this selfless deed, but because it is an example of his passion for his "job." It is that passion that makes him so very good at it. And I'm so glad to have a name with this beautiful person! Congratulations, Sarah, on your first marathon!

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February, 2010:

Last month, we found out that Trent's boss (whom we love) had nominated him for a big award at the hospital, called the "Service Excellene Hero" award, because of the marathon. There are about a dozen people who get the Service Excellence award (WHICH, btw, Trent got 2 years ago already) and then 1 or 2 who get the hero award. Last year it was given to a nurse who broke hospital protocol and let a wife come and lay with her dying husband who was about to be taken off life-support so that she could say goodbye. (I KNOW, I'm crying just writing about it.)

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Trent was actually a little embarassed when he found out he was getting this award. He said his loving co-workers were never going to let him hear the end of it! (Sure enough, they've all been teasing him about being their "hero"! But one told me last night that Trent is such a good guy that they really can't be mad when good stuff happens to him.) I was thrilled to know that Sarah & her family would be at the awards banquet, & Sarah was called up on stage to help present it to Trent.

Because of the microphone situation, the board chairman didn't have Sarah say anything, but did present the award first to her.

Trent didn't KNOW he was going to be asked to say something! He graciously said that Sarah and her family were his inspiration and that they were truly the heroes. (Oh, did you just ask if I was crying? Um, why do you think these photos are blurry?) Here's a shot of Trent and Sarah after the program.

I can tell Sarah's whole family loves Trent. Her big sis had previously requested to sit next to him at dinner. :) I had a great time getting to know them last night. Afterwards, I talked to Sarah and said "I thought they were going to have you say something! Were you nervous?" She said, "I thought they might, but they didn't." So I asked her what she would have said if they gave her the microphone. She told me, "I would have said, 'Thank you, Trent, for pushing me in the marathon. I will never, ever forget it."

Adoption Decision part 2

Thanks everyone for the congrats on my last post about our decision to apply for international adoption. And despite all the positive things said, I know that there are a wide range of opinions about adoption in general, inter-racial adoption especially and any and every detail related to this process. Not that I'm asking for criticism, because I actually don't handle that very well, but I just want to state up front that we are educating ourselves as well as we can, reading anything we can get our hands on regarding issues that affect adopted children, interracial families, worse case scenarios and such. We may be taking a leap, but it's not a BLIND leap. But thank you for keeping your comments on this blog uplifting and encouraging. :)

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Many people have asked how/why we chose Thailand and which agency we're using. Those 2 decisions were kind of made at the same time. Trent's sister is an adoption agent (convenient!) and told us about some very reputable agencies that specialize in intercountry (another word for international) adoption. Around the same time, I found a very helpful website, http://www.showhope.org/. This is the website for Shaohannah's Hope, the ministry dedicated to caring for orphans through aid and adoption that was started by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. The reason I liked this site is because a)they offer grants--yeah! And b) they gave tons of helpful links and even an entire "How to Adopt" packet. The Chapmans and the foundation do not endorse one specific country or one specific agency, but link to several with good reputations, and even more links to other grant possibilities. We received online info packets from about 5 agencies. 2 of the most well-known and reputable were here in Oregon: Bethany Christian Services and Holt International.

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Both Bethany and Holt are licensed to place children from about a dozen countries. Here's something that I didn't realize: every country around the world that allows US parents to adopt can create their own criteria. And the criteria varies quite a bit and is very specific. The Jen&Trent criteria was also specific! As I mentioned in the last post, Haiti was our first choice, but that's not an option right now. So, our process was largely done through process of elimination.

Fortunately, our age and length of marriage fell into most countries' criteria. (Except Haiti! We'd be too young.) We are requesting a healthy child under the age of 2, we are willing to wait about 2 years, we only want to travel to the birth country one time, and when we travel we can stay no longer than 2 weeks maximum. Most South American countries require the parents to stay 6-8 weeks when picking up their baby. Most Eastern European countries (& Russia) require 2 trips, each 2 or more weeks. Korea & Taiwan are only taking applications for parents interested in adopting a child with special medical needs. China's wait time right now is 50 months and expected to lengthen in the next year. Uganda, Mongolia and India are only adopting children ages 3 and over. These are somewhat generalized, but it shows you how we were able to narrow it down.

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According to those logistics, our top 2 choices were Ethiopia and Thailand. We were both genuinely open to either country. I think what pushed us over the edge was some blogs I found by parents who had recently adopted from Thailand through Holt. (I hope to get their permission to link on my blog soon.) I got in touch with a couple of them, and they SANG the praises of Holt and the entire process. I learned that Holt has a para-organization in Thailand called Holt Sahathai Foundation, working on orphan aid and adoption since 1975. " HSF serves a large number of vulnerable children through a variety of programs including adoption, pregnancy counseling, foster care, educational sponsorships and outreach services for children in hospitals and orphanages. Many of these programs help birth families to stay together through counseling and assistance." We also learned that Thai children in the HSF program are placed in foster homes until the day of adoption, rather than orphanages. They are followed closely and individually by social workers from HSF, who also assist the adoptive families every step of the way while in country. More than one of these families I found on the blogs are on their second adoption in Thailand through Holt. They primarily work with babies whose unwed birth mothers chose adoption, rather than abandoned babies. This means that there is usually a larger amount of medical information on each child, including prenatal information. One Holt family was from the NW and talked of the ease in finding Thai culture connections for their child. All of these factors just kind of tipped the scales, I guess. (BTW, we also heard wonderful things from families who had adopted from Ethiopia. It's still on our application as our second choice.)

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Another thing I like about Holt is that they offer summer camps for children who were adopted internationally. That's a great post-placement program. THEN, we found out that our Becky's grandfather was chairman of the board of Holt for years. He and his late wife, 2 amazing and godly people, volunteered frequently to escort Korean orphans to their new home in the US. Grandpa Jagger would not have devoted so much time and energy into a cause that was not extremely worthy. Having this information just seemed like a confirmation seal on the deal with Holt.

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So, now you are caught up on our decision process. You may have (probably would have?) done something different, but we are excited about our future with Baby Thai. FYI, girls are more commonly requested, so the fact that we have stated we are open to either gender means we'll probably be getting a boy. Although he thinks it will happen a lot sooner than it really will, looks like Carson will eventually get the little brother he's been asking for. He's already got the bunk-bed situation planned. :)

Seriously big news.

Original post date: February 23, 2010

I've realized (more than ever) in the last month or so that I am not a very private person. We've had some major things going on in our family, and I've wanted to shout it out! I wanted to get feedback. Mostly, I wanted to WRITE! So I got a journal, which I haven't had in years, and wrote like crazy. It was mostly a prayer journal, and already I've seen answers. So since you are probably skimming this paragraph for the news, here it is: Trent and I have applied to adopt a baby from Thailand.

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We told our immediate families first, then I wrote a letter to our extended family. (So, family, this post may be a little repetitive.)

Here's the story. See, even though it may sound sudden to you, this has been stirring for years. Even before Trent and I had our own kiddos, we talked of adoption and that we're both interested in it. Then, if you were following along, I did NOT particularly enjoy being pregnant the last time. We both were fairly certain we wanted 3 kids, so last year when Sydney turned one, we decided to pursue adoption more seriously. We learned a few things right away. First, we were told that a birth mother in the US will usually choose a childless couple to adopt her baby. A couple with a healthy boy and girl has little chance of being chosen from a notebook of other families. [post edit--we have sinced been corrected by a few adoption social workers, that this is not necessarily true.  There are some birth mothers looking for siblings, it's just not as common. Don't want to scare anyone away from domestic adoption.]  International adoption had been closer to my heart, especially, so this was not a disappointment, just a confirmation of which direction we'd go.

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But the second thing we learned was that international adoptions cost between $20K-$40K. Not even kidding you. The average we were seeing everywhere was $25K-$30K.

Whoa.

Big disappointment.

Seeing those figures was a shock to us and, especially doing our research in the summer, when I have no possibility of helping with our income, we freaked out and put the idea on hold indefinitely. I remember thinking we'd just have to have that third kid the old-fashioned way.

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Fast forward to January 12. In case you didn't notice by my blog post here, here and here, I was a TEENSY bit emotionally invested in the earthquake in Haiti. I was particularly upset about Kristen (which--full disclosure, some of you think KH and I are BFFs, but really I know her best through one of my true BFF's, her sis-in-law Sarah) who was there with her 9-month old visiting their son whom they'd been trying to adopt. The weeks following the earthquake I became blog-obsessed and vicariously participated in several emotional and dramatic reunions with adoptive families and their Haitian children. These are my 3 fave: Kembe, Amos and Ronel. I resonated with those mommies something fierce. During those first 2 weeks there was all kinds of talk about hundreds of Haitian orphans being brought to the US for foster or adoption, a la the Pedro Pan situation in Cuba in the 60's. We, along with about 473 gazillion people watching the news, felt totally compelled to be one of those families. Now, I think we all can recognize that sending hundreds of kids to people whose only qualification is "I want one!" is ridiculously dangerous and not in the best interest of anyone. So, I can respect the fact that the Haitian & US government did not start shipping out plane-loads of orphans to anyone with a nice smile. (I CANNOT respect the other things UNICEF and the govs have been up to.)

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Back to our story. We felt that no one should foster or adopt a child without going through the proper procedures, so we started researching and investigating international adoption--going back to many of the same sites we looked at last year. We read about home studies, country criteria, I-600A's, dossiers and tax credits. Our interest was definitely peaked. After a few weeks and conversations with several adoption agencies who work in Haiti, it was abundantly clear that no one will be able to apply to adopt a child from Haiti any time soon. For some, this was frustrating and even devastating. For us, it wasn't. We talked it over and realized that for the two of us, this horrible tragedy renewed in us a heart for adoption. It confirmed that we want another child--and that I don't necessarily need it to grow inside me. For our family, it wasn't about a Haitian child, it was about us having room in our home and our family and our hearts for a little person who deserves nothing less than a home and family. We spent MORE time online and checked out MORE books from the library about adoption, attachment, inter-racial adoption, etc. We faced the financial aspect in the face. We prayed. Hard. A lot.

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During this time, as I was asking God to give me answers, I was trying to listen for those answers. I totally randomly ran into my cousin at an indoor playground; my cousin who last year adopted 2 little Haitian girls. I got in touch with a college friend who told me she was considering international adoption and asked if I'd ever considered it. I got a very pointed email from a blog friend (oh yeah--you know who you are) that God had been putting ME on her heart all week, and He'd been hinting that maybe our third kiddo would be adopted. She thought I would think she was crazy, but I didn't. At least 2 other unplanned conversations happened that truly seemed like divine encounters regarding our family & adoption. But still--SO MUCH MONEY!

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I shared with some girls at my Bible study about this huge pull I'd been feeling, and I admitted that "the only thing" stopping us was the money. One friend looked me straight in the eye and said "Money's not a good enough reason." I talked to Trent and we agreed. Money was not a good enough reason to refuse to provide a loving (and, if I do say so myself) pretty darn good family to a child. (I include our extended families with that statement, not just that we are such stellar parents.) We agreed to make this HUGE leap of faith. Together. I honestly felt a peace with the decision that I've rarely felt. After talking with our closest friends & family, I felt like God was telling me over and over: you will not be in this alone. My favorite day was after I had specifically journaled about wanting to make sure that Trent was on the same page with me on this. I tend to get excited and drag him along on things, and this is not something towards which to be dragged. (drug?) That night at the dinner table, he looked at me and said "I'm ready. I want to do this." I, of course, burst into tears.

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It's permanent. It's forever. It's scary. It's amazing.

It's just beginning!

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I have way more to tell you, like how we chose our agency, how we chose Thailand, how we've been in contact with other adoptive parents already, how God provided for our application fee, how we plan to finance this thing and other facts I've learned about adoption in the last 5 weeks. So, keep reading!

Aw, gee.

Man, I love these kids.

Only myself to blame.

Have you ever heard of this movie: EXACTLY.

Neither had I. And now it is very likely that this crudely animated, straight-to-DVD cheapo will be mine forever after I pay $19.95! YIPPEE!

(If you're not sensing the dripping sarcasm, you must be new here. Welcome!)

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You see, I really want to blame this article I read in Parents magazine a few weeks back, about bribes and rewards. It said that if you discuss a reward with your child before entering into a tricky situation, you know BEFORE the bad behavior starts, then it can still be considered a reward. But if the discussion of the "reward" happens DURING the bad behavior, it's really a bribe and, you know, bribes are kind of frowned upon in the parenting world. (Of course we've all done that too, but, you know, it's something to strive for.)

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I also want to blame American Consumerism, which affects even my angelic 4 year old. (Dear new reader: that also was sarcasm. Just making sure you are keeping up.) Because of commercials we've seen and the placement of oodles of Valentine's Day candy, or fruit snacks he's seen on television commercials, making a trip to the grocery store is always rough, and occasionally it is agonizing. Thinking I was one step of the game, I talked to Carson BEFORE we went to the store about his behavior and asking for treats. If he listened and obeyed, and asked to put only 2 things on his wish list (a very clever idea I read somewhere--he can put anything he sees on his "wish list" but we're not buying it today. Although I'll be screwed if he ever asks to see this list, since I haven't written anything down and he's asked for about 2,145 to be put on it) then we could get him a movie from Safeway's little RedBox-Knockoff by the registers.

Speaking of, I also really want to blame Safeway's little RedBox-Knockoff. This clever little moneymaker has plenty of new releases for adults (although they are often out of stock) but only about 3 kids movies. Their DVD sleeves are totally incompatible with RedBox and you have to park and walk into the store to return it. What was I thinking? So, from our 3 choices of kids movies, of course he didn't want anything REMOTELY entertaining (and people, I'm admitting here that I would rather have seen "Snow Buddies"), Carson chose this ridiculous little Sasquatch flick.

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I kind of want to blame Carson too for my new predicament, because he was SO EXCITED to watch this spectacle of film quality that I'm pretty sure he took the DVD out of the sleeve before we even got home. And in the craziness of unloading children, unloading groceries, changing poopy diapers, putting the new movie on so I could use said groceries to make dinner....that special little black plastic sleeve that allows me to return the Sasquatch movie has DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR. I have no way to return it.

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But, I'm afraid when my logical, adult brain kicks in, I realize I have no one to blame but myself. All of those other entities performed their role, and I, the Director of Development and Smooth Functioning Operator of this house, has dropped the ball a bit. So, if any of you are dying to borrow The Legend of the Sasquatch, it's all yours. Just don't expect to hear anything about it on March 6th.

Home

I love this place. It's teeny, the floor plan is totally bizarre, the paint is fading, the appliances are starting to fall apart, and one of the neighbors enjoys parking 13 run-down trucks in the street. But it is home. It is our first house and where we live our life. Where we got snowed in and where we sweat out the summer heat with no air conditioning. Where my kids have puked and pooped and laughed and cried. Where we have a roof over our heads and we sleep well in our warm beds. Where, with a little tightening of the wallet, we can afford our monthly mortgage AND an occasional visit to Baja Fresh. And all I need to do is read one blog about Haiti's recovery or watch the nightly news about the state of the economy and I fall into a deeper level of contentment for this little piece of land that is mine. Thank you, Lord.

Feeling cultured.

I'm going to see Cosi Fan Tutte tonight! It's a famous opera by Mozart, about 2 sisters, their finaces and lots of love, deception, costumes, fake suicides and eventually: forgiveness. I'm familiar with this opera (thanks to my college voice teacher, Dr. Cho and my almost-music-minor!) and excited to see it. My father-in-law has a second cousin who is performing in it, so he offered to buy tix for those of us who were interested. (Are you surprised Trent is staying home?) It's sung in Italian but will have English subtitles on a screen. My only reservation is that it is 3.5 hours long and doesn't start until 7:30, then we have a good 45 minute drive home. But I think it will be worth it. I'm feeling so cultured!

My Happy Place

I'm not a super messy person, but I'm not necessarily a very tidy person either. I've commented on this blog previously about my housekeeping skills--or lack thereof. Every day I spend some time tidying up, starting at the front door and working my way to the back of the house. And I never make it to the back of the house, which is our master bedroom. Right before Christmas, I set out a little table in a corner of our room to stash my crafty supplies for several projects I was working on. And the table and the stash never got put away. In fact, it grew and morphed into something that was

TOTALLY. OUT. OF. CONTROL: We are on a very strict budget right now, but if I had a few hundred extra bucks, I would buy armoires and shelving for my whole house and garage! I love new storage, especially in this little house with closets half the size of the showers. So, I've been patiently combing craigslist for some afforadble sort of storage for my mountain o' crafts, and found something just about perfect for $45. It's smaller than it looked online, but it will get the job done. TADA!
Hiding is the same as cleaning, right? Looking at this takes me to my happy place!

Snacktime. A word-free post.