Warning--major spiritual content ahead. ;)
I haven't thought about the blog, or read any other blogs for about 2 weeks. As I mentioned in the previous post (that was a repeat and I'm not sure anyone read) I was on a small team which coordinated our women's conference last weekend, and it consumed me--mind and body--for a good 2 weeks. Then afterwards I was completely braindead. And if I'm completely honest? I allowed myself to be sucked into the distraction. There was some level of selfish self-preservation to be thinking all day about something else--something about which there were MANY tasks to be done, rather than be thinking all day about Thailand, Asher and a situation about which there is NOTHING to be done. I long for the day when I can be exhausted caring for the needs of a one year old, but caring for the needs of 230 women was a diverting substitute for a while!
One thing I really appreciate is that the people in my life have not put Asher out of their hearts and minds, and they have not let me do so either. I have received numerous inquiries on updates, dozens of encouraging notes and words, special Scripture verses that were plucked out of the Word and chosen just for my son and for me, and even powerful songs of hope that my friends have reminded me of in a challenging time. Here's an excerpt of one of those powerful verses:
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....You are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will bring my sons and daughters from the ends of the earth--everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." Isaiah 43: 2-6
Now I realize that it is taken out of context, and I left out a couple verses, but that part about gathering children from the east? Bringing sons and daughters from the ends of the earth? Protecting us from the rivers and waters? Yeah. Powerful stuff, that. I'm trusting that God is ok with me taking solace from his Word, even if Isaiah wasn't really writing about adopting an Asian child. :) It reminds me that Asher was created for His glory! A dear friend has dedicated this verse to Asher, and I'll never forget it.
Another friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in years, but with whom I have a musical background, reminded me of a song I also hadn't heard in years. In the midst of my worry and anxiety, she reminded me of these simple words that gave me such freedom:
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus! Just to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know 'Thus saith the Lord.' Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! Oh, for grace to trust Him more."
I read somewhere that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy. I think there should be some sort of witty cliche about worry and fret, that it will accomplish nothing but while you're worrying about everything else you'll give yourself an ulcer. I'm still working on how to make that short and pithy. ;) When I sang that song, I truly did experience a lightening of my heart. I was reminded that He has proved faithful over and over. I experienced that sweetness that comes from surrending to the God who is in control, who knows my son and his circumstances, and the promise He will never leave or forsake us.
Even just this week when I was at Bible study, we were going around the table talking about the different names of God in the Old Testament and how we see those aspects of God in our lives today, I just didn't want to share (which is unheard of for me, the blabbermouth) because I was tired of talking about this and crying. And yet two of my friends answered for me. He is Jehovah-Shammah, "the God who is there." He is Jehovah-Shalom, "The Lord who is peace." And the one that really set me off, He is El-Roi, "the God who sees." The thought that sends me into a tizzy more than any other is the fact that I don't know where my son is. I don't know where he's living, what kind of conditions he's in, even what city he's in. He's in a (possibly literal) sea of hurting people who are all trying to just make it through this disaster, and I worry that no one there will take as good of care of him as I would. That he'll get lost in that sea (not necessarily literally, but figuratively). And yet MY GOD IS THE GOD WHO SEES ASHER. He knows the exact latitude and longitude where Asher laid his head last night. He knows who is holding him and giving him one of those 8 daily bottles this very moment. He knows when he is hungry and thirsty, when his diaper needs changing and when he is unsettled or sad. I believe this with my whole heart and soul and it gives me a peace when I can just TRUST HIM to care for my son.