Oh, people. You are so kind to me. I should publicly document my emotional breakdowns more often, b/c ya'll rose to the task of talking this mama down from the ledge. Seriously, thank you for all your comments, both here and on Facebook, the hugs in real life, and also the many private texts and messages of encouragement I got...friends sharing their own challenges with bio and adopted children, failures and successes, and especially stories of overcoming grief, anger, sadness, trauma...all of that super fun parenting stuff.
Carson and I had our first counseling appointment yesterday. We didn't get as many concrete practical steps as I was hoping (so basically, one hour should solve all of our problems, right?!) but I think it was a very positive experience for both of us. We each had a chance to talk to the counselor privately and together, and then we had a great discussion over frozen yogurt afterwards. Just talking about the anger issue, making sure Carson knows that we love him and want to help him, not just punish him, but that we need to deal with it and there will be consequences to his actions...all of that was good stuff. It's a total victory in my mind to get an impulsive 6 year old boy to talk (and listen) for an hour.
I loved hearing from you other adoptive mamas. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, it is never too many times to be told from someone who's been there (many of you have literally been there, in Bangkok, with a grieving 20 month old) that our son--and WE--will be okay and will get through this. Thanks so much for understanding and speaking love and truth to this anxious girl.
Another friend sent me a link to a blog I'd never read, called The MOB Society--For Mother's of Boys. It is definitely from a Christian perspective. I started reading through several of the posts and stumbled on an upcoming challenge called 21 Days of Prayer for Sons. See, this last Saturday I attended a mini-prayer retreat at our church, and I'm not sure I realized how emotionally vulnerable and anxious I was feeling about all these parenting/adoption issues until I walked into the church building and basically didn't stop crying for about 3 hours. That's a lot of crying, even for Weepy McTeary here. We spent some intense time talking to the Lord, reading His word and learning to listen to His voice. I found myself crying out for my children, and the issues that currently are heaviest on my heart are that of my 2 sons. Two boys, who have never met, who look nothing alike, 5 years, one day and eight thousand miles apart, but both of whom are MY SONS. They are the boys I want to raise to be godly men, whose hearts and minds are treasures that I guard with my life. They have been consuming my thoughts lately. So the thought of some wise person walking me through 21 days of purposeful prayer for them sounded amazingly perfect.
If you are a mother of a boy or two or more, I encourage you to take this challenge with me! We're going to go through the book Warrior Prayers together, and it's an ebook, so you'll have to download it onto your computer (which would be a PDF, you could read on your phone, computer or laptop or print out), nook or kindle. The challenge is May 1-21. Then you commit to the 21 days and sign up on the blog if you'd like. Or just do it without signing up. I'm going to link to the blog on my list to the right and I think they'll do daily posts during the challenge. That's pretty much all I know so far, but to be honest, I didn't really need to know more. Prayer? Good. Prayer for my boys? Excellent.
I'll leave with you with this blue haired child, for whom it is all worth it: