We are Called to Love

I know that I am prone to exaggeration and dramatics, but people?  

I HAVE HUGE NEWS!

You know that "retreat for adoptive moms" that I talked about HERE?   I forgive you if you assumed I had given up on the idea.  I have been kinda quiet about it and the dream was based on an emotionally fulfilling experience, and that can often lead to an apathetic ending once the heat has cooled.  

BUT NOT THIS TIME!

In fact, I've been working my butt off, along with my planning partner, Amy.  We've been logging about 100 emails a week, almost as many texts and dozens of phone calls.  It started with serious prayer and fasting over the big picture and some Major Questions:

Are we really doing this?  Why? How big are we aiming here?  Why? What are we going to call ourselves?  Why?  What is our REAL purpose and goal?

It took a few weeks to dig through that rich soil, and then the seeds were firmly planted.  We continued to be very honest with each other, and continued to be very much on the same page.  I would bore you to death to cover all the things that have happened, the obstacles and the victories, but I'm going to cut to the chase.

Called to Love

www.calledtoloveministry.org

The name of our retreat is based on Isaiah 43:1.  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, and you are mine."  That verse still gives me chills!   It has a double meaning for us.  WE, Amy and Jen, have been redeemed!  He knows us and called us to be His.  And we both know he also specifically called us to adopt.  He did not call us to be perfect mothers, to be poster children for adoption or to have a cute bi-racial family photo.  He called us to love the widows and orphans--for us it is through adopting and parenting.  AND we know he has seen and redeemed and called our little ones.  THEY ARE HIS.  Before I had ever seen Asher's face, God saw him, called him, redeemed him, DIED FOR HIM.  Asher and Carson and Sydney and Amy's children and your children are wholly loved and valued just as they are.  We are imperfect people and parents, but we are called to love these little people and be the best mamas for them that we can possibly be.   And sometimes it's really nice to have some encouragement and support in doing that!

The Lord has SWUNG OPEN WIDE the doors for this retreat and this budding ministry!  All glory to HIM!    We have put a deposit down on the beautiful Oregon Garden Resort for the weekend of 

November 15-17, 2013.  Yes, that is THIS year.  In about 7 months.

We have assembled a team of 9 adoptive moms with various backgrounds, from 6 different churches, with amazing passion and gifts and talents and excitement to make this retreat a reality.  This would not be happening without their support and involvement!

We have already confirmed three major speakers, I mean high quality, high caliber speakers, for three of our four main sessions.  And each of them is coming for less than their normal fee or for FREE.

Professionals from sound technicians, web hosts, attorneys, graphic designers, book authors, foster care trainers---are all partnering with us to bring EXCELLENCE to this retreat.  I also can see God's hand orchestrating this whole thing, as Amy and I have been given the opportunity to coordinate retreats at our church for the past few years, and I know that experience has better prepared us for this task!

Because we are having our retreat in November, which is the off-season, we are getting a very reasonable rate at the gorgeous resort.  Amy and I have worked with the staff before, and we both just love the luxurious feel of the rooms and the resort itself.  We can't wait to have the mamas come and feel a little pampered.

I kind of feel like this little ministry is my fourth baby.  It is (and will be) so much work, but it has already brought me such JOY!  I want to tell EVERYONE about it! I love working with one of my best friends, and I love the idea of ministering, serving and maybe kinda spoiling some adoptive and foster mamas in the Pacific Northwest.  In a strange twist, I was the one who so badly needed refreshing in January when we attended Created for Care.  (The C4C team has been amazingly supportive and helpful, by the way!)  But the more I pour into this project to refresh and encourage OTHERS, I am the one who continues to be renewed and filled.  We are surrendering the entire endeavor to the Lord and are beyond excited to know that He can bless it beyond what we hope or imagine!  

Now scroll up, copy and paste that website, and go share it with all of your friends!  :)

9 months--how are you guys REALLY doing?

**Hi to my FB friends!  I know I'm technically on a FB break, but it's pretty clear that since I blog so sporadically, most people only check it when I link to FB.  This post and the previous one  (please read that one too! ) are specifically for our support group and future adoptive parents, so I wanted ya'll to see it!**

I have a confession to make.  I have harbored some frustration and a little resentment towards you adoptive parents who went before me.  The last nine months have been more challenging than I anticipated. I thought that nothing would be harder than waiting for my precious son.  It turns out that parenting my precious son is harder.  There have been days when I thought "Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this?!"  But then I look at my own primary source of communication with other adoptive parents--this blog--and realize I, too, am suspiciously silent.  I remember THIS great article  by Jen Hatmaker, where she says when you are in the trenches of those first few months home, "You are starving for truth-tellers in adoption."

But the conflict comes because although parenting a child who has gone through this life-changing trauma is hard, you also already love this little person!  In your core, you want what is best for them, you want them to FEEL your love deep down--now and for years to come.  Every time I went to write about how frustrated I am, I stopped short, because I couldn't get the image of 16-year-old Asher reading it out of my mind.  I never want him to confuse the difficulty of this transition with any regret on my part, or lack of love.  I want my words, now and in the future, to honor and respect him.   Going into detail about naughty behavior, or attachment-related issues seems to just cross that line.  Notice I said going into detail.  I do believe that glossing over the rough parts and painting a picture that adopting a toddler is smooth sailing, easy-peasy, madly in love at first sight, is damaging to other families, and even to my own family.  This is, has been, hard.  But HE is worth it, and we will fight through it, because HE is ours.

The other frustrating thing about all of us being so vague is that I don't have an accurate reading on how our attachment journey is going...using others as an anecdotal measurement, so to speak.  To be honest, if I'm only judging from f@cebook posts and blogs, I get worried that we are in deep doo-doo.  But then I get one-on-one with some adoptive mamas, and I hear some hard truths, and I realize we're actually doing pretty darn well!   Although I think that there are many who have a very, very smooth process, the majority have some challenges.  This tells me that connecting outside of the internet (or even on the internet, but not publicly) is so important!

I know I'm still being vague (on purpose) and some of you who are waiting to go get your kiddo are saying--what is so hard?  I can only speak for our family, but let me speak in generalities.  First of all, I'm on my second toddler boy-son.  Toddler boys are crazy!  Often they are crazy/fun, more times they are crazy/exhausting and sometimes crazy/naughty.  Tearing, breaking, climbing, hitting, running (usually at break-neck speed away from you towards a busy street), grabbing, throwing, spilling.  This describes both of my toddler boys.  However, before a biological child enters this *fun* stage, you have about two years worth of positive interactions.  Snuggles, smiles, feeding, cuddling, milestones...simple things you take for granted, like the fact that a sad or distressed bio child often can be calmed by your presence and your touch.   When an adopted toddler comes home, you have zero positive interactions deposited in the emotional banks--YOUR emotional bank and HIS emotional bank.  Not only do you hit the ground running with the negative interactions (correcting very normal toddler behavior) outweighing the positive, but your kiddo is also dealing with MAJOR emotional trauma and stress and grieving, which affects every aspect of his emotional health, which affects his behavior, which affects your ability to attach to him and him to you.  Does this make sense? I guess the bottom line that I want to convey is that my kiddo, your kiddo--are not naughty or bad or problems.  The "hard" comes from the situation and timing, NOT from the adopted child.

I also want to briefly point out that I completely underestimated the fact that attachment is a two-way street.  A dear truth-teller who went before me said simply about herself, "I'm a slow attacher."  It gave me such a peace.  I realized the pressure I was putting on myself to go from 0 to 100% attached and bonded within days or weeks.  What I can say is that God knitted this family together in HIS perfect plan, and He is the great healer of hearts and minds.  He is doing an amazing work in our lives, and I fall more and more in love with my son each day!  If you are an adoptive parent (or not) and would like to chat more about our attachment journey--mine and his--I would love to connect!  Drop me a note or leave me a comment and we can chat more privately.

Last week I took our two older kids to a carnival, just the three of us.  I took a moment to ponder what our family would be like if God had not let us to adopt, and we still had only 2 kids. The first thing I realized is that I'd be getting more sleep. :) Trips to the store would be less chaotic.  Trips ANYwhere would be less chaotic.  But I know in my deepest heart that I would feel something was missing.  The experience of adopting and bringing our son home has enriched us in countless ways. Yes, even the challenges of the wait and of the last nine months have strengthened and improved us. His presence makes us complete, and our lives are more fun, more interesting and more blessed because Asher is our son and brother.  Thank you, dear friends and readers, for letting me be honest about this experience and not fear judgement.

So, how are we REALLY doing?  We're doing well, with good days and bad.  We are learning and struggling and loving and grateful for each day with all three of our kids.  We have zero regrets and want to shout from the rooftops that we love adoption!  I long for the day when Asher has the words to tell his side of this story!

Thanks for asking.  :)

9 months--how are you guys doing?!

**Hey FB friends!  I interrupted my FB break to post a link to these blog posts, b/c I really want to share them with our wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive! Love that you still ask about our little guy.  Here's an update!**

It's been nine months since we became a family of five!  Insert cliche here about how time flies, sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it feels like it's been forever.  I know I haven't been super informative or detailed on the blog about how we are all settling into the new normal, so I decided to give an update.  I'm still humbled to the point of tears when I think of the hundreds of people who invested in our family with their love, prayers, finances, and so many other types of support.  I love that you all care about our family deeply and want to keep in touch about what it's like to have Asher home!

I decided it would be best to split it into two blog posts, b/c there is no simple answer to how it's going.  I want to start with all the great things that have happened in the last year, and talk about how amazing and brave our son is!  A few weeks ago I realized I never posted a video of the first time we met our son, Asher Saran.  It it possible it was a subconscious mental block.  :)  Our sweet little guy was crying hard before he even got in the room, and that was the beginning of many, many tears that week.  I was able to do a very basic raw edit of those first few moments.  It will give you an idea of how they introduced us...what the scenario was like.  I included plenty of non-crying moments, as he just sat focused and solemn. Near the end of the video, Trent tried to toss him a ball, and he completely ignores it!  I especially want to share it for my fellow adoptive parents who will someday sooner or later be meeting their precious, long-awaited kiddos.  It's good to be realistic and prepared for the kind of possible grieving these babes are dealing with.  You can see on the other side of the screen that sweet Layla was on the opposite end of the spectrum!  Here's Asher on June 3, 2012:

When I watch this video, it reminds me of how incredibly brave my boy is.  He was taken from EVERYone and EVERYthing he had ever known at the tender age of 22 months.  In a matter of days, his entire world was gone and replaced with a new one that was NOTHING like the old one.  And he has continued to take steps towards adapting and trusting us day after day.  Although I'm happy that pictures and video of his foster family do not make him sad (he calls her Mae and says "Thai-yan!"), but it is bittersweet that I think he doesn't truly remember that amazing woman.  I think he knows that's her name b/c we tell him that.

Although I am certain that the illusive "attachment" is some mystical creature we'll be chasing for years, I know that Asher has made so much progress in the last 9 months.  We've seen measurable steps, like his ability to stay in his little sunday school class at church.   Although he occasionally still gets clingy, it feels so good that he finally trusts us enough to know that WE ARE COMING BACK for him.  He is still not a snuggler, and doesn't like to be rocked or cuddled (we're working on it daily!), but he does really enjoy reading books.  He will bring us book after book after book, which provides some great bonding moments.  He gives tight hugs and kisses and says "I yuv you!" to all of us...sometimes even to the girl at the Safeway bakery who gives free cookies!

To give you an idea of his personality at home (compared to the video above) here's a video of Asher and his sister providing a little entertainment last week:

It gives me such joy to see him interacting with us, singing, being silly (you should see him dance!), mimicking his siblings, asking to see himself on the camcorder, and just being a little boy! I love that his sis has to translate for me and that he's singing a song about his brother's basketball team. (And for you curious folks, that green thing is a physical therapy tool used to get knots out of your back, but it's used as a microphone or weapon daily in this house.)  One of the most incredible ways that bringing Asher home has affected our family is the way it has impacted his siblings.  I truly can see that his presence has changed them.  They are more aware of children around the world who have lives very different from ours, they know what it means to be an orphan, they are more aware (and excited about) other interracial families, talkative about adoption, but they would be the first to tell you that WE are the lucky ones to have Asher added to our family!  Asher is a sweet spot for both of them--they still fight between them like crazy, but they forgive their little brother with a lighting speed for some pretty serious crimes, and sometimes their fighting is OVER who gets to spend more time with him!

Probably my favorite thing about Asher is that he is more curious than ANY child I have ever met.  I mean, he makes George look positively apathetic.  We get excited when we get to take him somewhere new or different, because we know he'll be totally captivated.  Each new park is an ecstatic adventure.  A friend's house is a whole new world.  But sometimes his curiosity still surprises me.  He and I had to take the car for an oil change last week, and I was planning for us to take a walk while they were working on the car.  Well, we never made it out of the garage, because Asher was COMPLETELY enthralled with the oil change.  He was staring, squinting, squatting down with his head lowered to the ground so he could see the guys working below the car.  He started circling the car to try to get a better look from a new angle.  Then, it was not enough for him, so he LAID down on the ground, about 3 feet from the opening under the car where the mechanic was (chuckling and) working on our oil, so he could get a better look.  He makes it so wonderful to see our world through new eyes.

Another hilarious thing about Asher is that he will eat ANYTHING.  I think part of it is a cultural, and part of it is just his beautiful appetite for food and life.  He puts my picky eaters to shame when I toss him an apple and he eats that thing down to a nub!  He gnaws through most of the core and only leaves the very, very center and seeds.  He'll happily eat orange and watermelon rinds, although I ususually try to stop that.  If he spies the leftovers of some treat in the garbage, he'll go dumpster diving for that last bit of popsicle or string cheese.  Yes, it grosses us out, but it also cracks us up!  He's also very aware of what other people are eating.  Sometimes I try to sneak my own little treat--my go-to is dark chocolate covered espresso beans--and he will smell it on my breath!  He'll point accusingly at my mouth and frown and say "MOMMY EAT!  MOMMY EAT!"  Nothing gets by this kid!

A dear friend met me today for coffee, and I had my little man in tow.  I was armed with drinks, snacks, books and an ipod to keep him busy.  She complimented me and said I made it look easy!  That truly made me feel good (I don't like feeling frazzled and out of control in public!) but I told her that if she ever hears anyone who wants to adopt say that about me, tell them to come talk privately ASAP, lest they get the wrong idea.  :)  I think it does a disservice to future adoptive families when we only highlight the happy stuff.  Soon I will write another post about some of the harder parts of the last nine months, while still trying to convey to you how crazy we are about Asher Saran and how happy we are that he is in our family!

Cash Stash to help fund an adoption!

Some of you may have heard about a program called Financial Peace University.  If you go to our church, you absolutely have heard of it!  Over 1,000 of us are going through it together.  It's a class that promotes a way of handling money that is smart and also biblical.  One of the main tenets of this class is to use CASH more often, and not credit cards, or even debit cards.  The concept is that the more you FEEL your money, the harder it is to spend, and the easier it is to know exactly how much you have!  The class provides a very efficient cash envelope system, made of paper envelopes, for you to keep track of your budgeted cash.  It is also very ugly.

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My friend Jodi, who lives here in the NW, decided that all of us committed to stick to our cash budget really deserve something better looking to take around town!  She has designed and created some AMAZING cash wallets.  I volunteered to be a temporary spokeswoman, partly because I know so many people taking the course right now, but also because ALL THE PROCEEDS FROM THESE WALLETS GO TOWARDS JODI'S ADOPTION!  Jodi and her husband Joel have an amazing testimony, which includes a kidney transplant, deep loss and pain, but also hope.  I'm so excited to see how and when God is going to unfold their family story through domestic adoption.  I had her send me a handful of wallets (she lives a few hours away) to see if I could sell some to my local peeps. 

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Now, let me tell you about these cool wallets!  First, they are each made from gorgeous laminated cotton fabrics--just wipe them clean.

There are pockets all over these things for different budgeted items.

Each one has two zippered pockets.  (On this sample, the zippered pockets are the red and white polka dots.)  On the left side, you'll see four debit sized slots.

Each comes with four envelopes, and you can custom order up to 6.

 I'm not sure it will show up on this picture, but if you zoom in, there is a special, tiny clear pocket for you to put in a label for what each envelope is for.  YOU choose the categories.

The price for these wallets is $35.  If you could see them in person, and see the incredible attention to detail, you would see why they are worth $35.  If you live near me and are interested, let me know and I'll find a way to get them to you. 

***DON'T FORGET!  ALL PROCEEDS GO TOWARDS JODI AND JOEL'S ADOPTION!***

These are the styles I have on hand.  Click on the picture to enlarge. 

 Let me know ASAP if you are interested!

Spirit guided social media

The other day, Carson and I got into a conversation about the Holy Spirit.  This child doesn't shy away from the deep stuff.  It started because he asked me why I sometimes give money to the panhandlers on the freeway off-ramps, and other times I don't.  I didn't have a good answer, really.  I said sometimes I have money handy, other times I don't.  Sometimes they seem too pushy, other times they don't. But I tried to explain to him that sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to do so, and other times I don't.  We talked about how I believe God gives me heart-whispers--that's a hard concept to explain to a very literal 7 year old boy.  But I said that "listening" to those whispers takes practice, and I don't always get it right.  But I usually have a very specific feeling of regret when I get it wrong.

I thought of a time when I was pretty sure the Spirit was convicting Carson: it was a couple years ago, and he had set up a game of Candyland in advance so he would get all the good cards and win.  I figured it out right away, but feigned ignorance, and about 2 cards in, he collapsed in frantic, anguished tears and confessed that he had cheated.  It was almost comical at the time!  But it was a great example of his conscience, which I believe is a tool of the Holy Spirit. So, back to the car, I shared one example in my life: that Trent and I felt a strong nudge from the Lord that we should adopt, and so we did.  Carson, bless his heart, said "I'm SO glad you listened to God! Otherwise we wouldn't have Asher!"

After this conversation, I started asking myself a similar question.  These days, everywhere I turn, there is another cause/organization/ministry that is doing good work and needs help.  Sydney's saving coins for kids with leukemia.  Carson's jumping rope for kids with heart disease.  The neighbor is selling cookies for girl scouts.  We know of a dozen different people doing good work around the world, but my heart beats strong for only a few of these causes.  Only occasionally do I find myself digging deeper, wanting more information, trying to find a way to support.  I know it seems obvious, but I believe the Holy Spirit draws me to certain causes.  I think He has wired me and charted the path of my life experiences to feel more invested in some ministries.   I have seen that He has caused my heart to break for what breaks His--and even with that criteria, sometimes I am more stirred than others.

A long time friend and I were talking a couple months ago, and she was asking similar questions.  Her kids are older than mine, their family is settled into a good groove of life, and she said she feels like something is missing.  She feels like she wants to give more of herself, but has no idea where.  She said she doesn't know what her passion is.  I asked her if she had $100,000 to give to ANY cause, but had to give it all to one place: what would it be?  I think if you can answer that question, it reveals where the Spirit is pulling you.  I pondered for a bit and answered the question for myself.  I have found myself, in the last few years, deeply brokenhearted over the issue of human trafficking. For instance, on the day of the Superbowl, I read THIS ARTICLE  about how this sporting event is the largest single incident of human trafficking in the US each year.  I was so upset about this information, that I had to leave the room when I was telling my husband about it, because I didn't want the kids to see me sobbing.  My mind and heart just cannot fathom the horror that is reality to these victims around the world, even in our own city.  When we drive by a particular major exit off the interstate, there are two large hotels.  My heart sinks when I look at the window of these hotels, wondering if there are victims being abused and sold in this very moment.  It is not unlikely.  Why do I think about it so much?  Thanks be to God, I do not have a history of abuse in my life.  I have no idea why God has caused this particular current issue to cause such an ache in my heart.  I know that when we decided to adopt from Thailand, one factor was the well-known prevalence of trafficking in that country.   But other than that--why?  And furthermore, what's a busy stay-at-home mom to do about a worldwide epidemic of evil?

But on January 11, which is Human Trafficking Awareness Day, I used my big mouth and our society's current obsession with social media to talk about it.  I posted a few times that day on organizations that I know are doing good work to rescue children and women from the $ex trade, and also some that are working to prevent it.  I got only a few comments and "likes" and then I started to doubt myself--am I turning into one of those annoying "causey" people that is always preaching about something?  Is this issue too horrible and ugly to talk about on f@cebook?  But then, something awesome happened.  A friend of mine messaged me that my post had convicted her to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  God used my big mouth and social media and my friend's willing heart to protect a little girl in India.  I was really humbled.  And excited.  And validated!   If the Holy Spirit flags me down for a specific cause, I should not keep it to myself.  It may only nudge one or two other people, but even so--it is worth it.  Posts on FB and blogs by other like-minded people have moved me to action more than once.  It's not in vain.

You know where this is going, don't you?!  Recently, I stumbled on a ministry that, in my mind, has 3 powerful things going for it:  A) It's Christian based, B) It works to free and restore victims of human trafficking and C) They are heavily involved in Thailand.  Destiny Rescue is doing amazing things in southeast Asia, and they are growing quickly.  An adoption friend connected me with a young couple who are moving to Thailand to work with Destiny Rescue.  Check out their blog here.  I love finding things like this.  My heart leaps!  By buying a t-shirt or a tote, I can support this ministry by helping to send them talented workers, which will make them more successful and able to rescue more victims.  Yes, it's a small thing.  It's a little tiny piece of a big, overwhelming puzzle. However, the Holy Spirit has drawn me to take part in solving this particular puzzle and tell others about it.  And whether it is with my checkbook or my blog or my status updates, I want to practice listening to those little heart-whispers.

Bounce it up

A few weekends ago, we had some changes in our plans that left a Sunday morning open.  That is almost unheard of in this house, so Trent and I decided to be impulsive, and we took the kids to a new place in town that is basically bounce-house-mania.  It's a huge warehouse full of different bounce-house type activities. We got there right when they opened and had the place to ourselves for almost 45 minutes!  Each of the kids was wearing comfy clothes and the longest socks we could find.  Pictures were hard to get, b/c the subjects were moving and BOUNCING so quickly!  But I think the sheer glee is captured by the blurriness.  They had a blast!

 

 

 

Only the big kids were tall enough for this slide.  They had just replaced the lining the night before, so Carson and Syd were flying!  We had watched a safety video on how to go down the slide, and I was kind of impressed they both stuck to it!

Asher was SO FUNNY to watch!  There was a slide his size, and he went on it over and over and over again.  Each time he looked like he was completely out of control and filled with absolute panic.  

But by the time he got to the bottom, he was grinning and asking to go again!

 If you live local and want the deets, just message me.  We highly recommend it!  The place was VERY clean and the staff was super friendly.  I'm already planning a trip with the littles to run off some of their energy!

The measure of a moment

Oh, Oprah.  Did she coin the phrase "aha moment"?  Because, dang her, I use it a lot, and I don't like to owe Oprah anything, other than thanks for introducing me to a dozen very good books that are depressing as crap.  (Map of the World?  I Know This Much is True?  Are you kidding me?)

Well, put it on my tab, b/c I do use it.  And I had one the other day.  It was a random situation where Sydney had been invited to a friend's house after preschool, and Asher was having a stellar day of happiness and contentment with actual toys like cars, dolls, and play kitchens, rather than his preferred type of toy, which is chap stick, dust buster parts, food from the garbage and painting the wall with deodorant. 

And at the end of my day when all the kids were back home and daddy was on his way, I had a skip in my step that is often missing around 5pm.  And I tried to figure out why that was.  And I did. And I had an aha moment.

I realized I felt good because I had been productive.  Like, productive even in the eyes of an outside, childless observer who has no idea how that term changes drastically once you have small people in the house undoing your every attempt at order.  Not productive as I currently have to think about it, which means that if I've made dinner and showered IN THE SAME DAY: I've been productive.  I mean, I had kicked this house's butt!  I had rocked my domestic goddess hat and even done some long-term-to-do-list things that had been mocking me for weeks.  And people?  IT FELT GOOD.  I was happy with myself and my life.

And that's when I had my you-know-what moment.  I remembered back to when a friend told me that she and I had something in common.  We begin each day fresh at zero, not allowing credit for what has been accomplished the day before, and whether or not we write it down, we have a list in our heads and our personal success is kind of based on that list and what is crossed off during the waking hours.  This was pre-family, when I was a working gal, and there was no emotional value placed on that observation. I think it was actually a compliment.

However, even though my life has drastically changed, I realized my measure of internal success has not caught up.  My current occupation is Director of Development and Maintenance at casa de T, and my mental to-do list STILL is full of tasks that are quantifiable and observable, when much of my day is filled with tasks that are the opposite of measurable.  When I break up 10 fights, my floors do not reflect my exhaustion.  When I read books, snuggle on couches, remove children from precarious ledges, make 3 squares a day, drive to and from and to and from-- my closets are still a mess.  When I calm tantrums, put band-aids on owies, write grocery lists, wipe noses, hands, faces and bottoms all the livelong day, my dear husband walks in at 6pm and the house isn't just the same as when he left, it is usually WORSE.  Ugh.  And sometimes it feels like failure. (Not to him. To me.)  I love, love, love a clean and organized house.  LOVE. IT.  Don't remember the feeling well, but well-enough to know it is my happy place. 

But in order for that to happen, I basically have to farm my kids out.  And that feels horrible!  I KNOW in my heart that my work with my children is important.  It is arguably the most important occupation of my lifetime.  And it may not seem measurable right now, but these investments are going to pay off.  Maybe not today, but in the years to come. One of my favorite scriptures is Galations 6:9 "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  I have this verse at eye-level in my kitchen, and I keep reminding myself:  harvest = godly, respectful, well-adjusted children.  Proper time = not necessarily now.  Do not give up = DO NOT GIVE UP!

Yet despite daily reminders and head knowledge, my human nature just really longs to walk on my floors and not have crumbs stick to my socks.  I would just really, really like to be able to walk into my bathroom and not smell little boy urine.   Could we just have ONE MEAL that doesn't require 15 wet wipes, a mop and a hazmat suit?  I read somewhere that trying to clean while your children are home is like brushing your teeth WHILE eating oreos.  Oh my word YES that is so true.  And it won't stop being true for several years. 

And I love my life.  And I don't want to wish it away or miss the sloppy days of toddlers and preschoolers pining away for less messy older children, who will certainly come with their own unique challenges. (Although I'm hoping there will be fewer goldfish crumbs stuck to my toes.)

So I'm afraid my aha moment has still left me back to the conflict of knowing what is true and yet FEELING something different.  It will probably be an ongoing internal battle.  I will always have to tell myself that spending time with my children is MORE important than doing the dishes and laundry, and I will have to learn to find internal success and reward in that investment, whether or not any visible progress has been made.  Even when I ignore the house duties and throw myself into quality time with my kids, they still may be stinkers later that day.  They may still crave junk food and cop an attitude and jump on my bed with their muddy shoes on.  I cannot measure my moments by the observable daily productivity.

That is, until my kids are old enough to clean the house for me.  Then I think we've stumbled on a win/win situation.  I'll keep you posted.

Bing Crosby, the theologian

Remember that scene in White Christmas, where Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney are sitting around the cozy fire, late in the night? And he sings the song full of sage advice: "When I worry and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep counting my blessings"?  It seems this is a concept that is timeless.

Like usual, I'm about a year late to a popular [fill in the blank] and this time it's a book that I've heard about for months and month and finally got for Christmas.  THEN finally started reading at the end of January.  It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  To be perfectly honest, her writing style is a bit much for me.  It's very poetic and lovely, and I lean more towards straight-shooters who are self-deprecating and make sarcastic jokes.  However, the content of this book has been extremely valuable and inspiring to me.  The basic gist (in my paraphrased summary) is that this woman, who loved God and her family, found that she had an underlying foundation of sadness and discontent, partly based on some major losses and hurts in her life.  She went on a journey to practice "eucharisteo" or living in a state of thanks and joy, in her daily, mundane life.  (Basic Greek translation is charis: grace; eucharisteo: thanksgiving; chara: joy) She dared herself to find 1,000 small or big things she was thankful for.  Her list (so far, I'm only about 1/2 way through) includes things like moonlight on the pillow, her kids' laughter and the beautiful grated cheese for her dinner.  You might laugh, but the challenge to examine these small blessings in order to live with more fullness and contentment is striking a chord with me.  I haven't literally started a list (I plan to soon), but I do find myself being more aware of small blessings, gifts from God for which I stop and thank Him.

 This is one of my favorite passages so far:

"[giving God glory for cheese] might seem trifling. Even offensive, to focus the lens of a heart on the minute, in a world mangled and maimed and desperately empty.  I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war.  I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for the early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives.  Why would the world need more anger, more outrage?  How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us?  Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering.  The converse does.  The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring the fullest Light into all the world."

*

It definitely takes practice, the discipline of constantly finding things for which to be thankful.  But it's an exercise worth cultivating.  Last week there is one that stands out to me.  It was the witching hour, between 4:30 and 6:00, when we are waiting for daddy to come home and save us from ourselves.  I'm usually tired and irritable, trying to get dinner ready and stave off hungry children biting my ankles and/or destroying each other and the house.  But last Tuesday, something was different!  My oldest, often the instigator of all kinds of discord, rallied his two siblings and decided they were going to put a box by each person's bed so we could deliver valentines to each other during the week.  I gave them a bunch of boxes and he helped label and distribute them, and then he and Sydney started working on making cards for the upcoming holiday.  This simple act of thoughtfulness and teamwork blessed my socks off, as I was smiling in the kitchen.  We reaped the benefits of their work on Thursday morning at our Valentines Day breakfast, and his card to me was the icing on the cake.  (See picture below.)  So what about you...how difficult would it be for you to truly incorporate this practice into your daily life?

My apologies for the lack of shirts.  It was first thing in the morning and Asher and I are the only ones who wear PJ's around here.

 Best card ever, right?!

Baptism by a different kind of fire

There are just some parts of parenting that no book can prepare you for.  And one of those parts is vomit.  Yep.  Puke.  Up-chuck.  Throw-up.  Dealing with another human's barf just cannot be described in a text.

I remember the first time Asher threw up in our house.  I got some on me, and then soon after he vomited ALL over himself, his ears, his bed, his stuffed animals.  And I remember thinking: the next time someone asks me who his "real" mom is, I'm going to say it's the woman who catches his puke and tenderly cleans it out of his precious black hair, thankyouverymuch.

Tonight I was already on alert.  All three of my kids have a very touch gag-reflex, and a good strong cough sets them off.  Usually at night. My middle child was coughing more than usual.  I was not, however, alert enough to prepare with a bowl for the Sydster. They were all in bed and I heard "the cry" which is a very distinct sound full of shock and disgust when a child is awakened by their own vomit, much like my own face as I'm cleaning the desecrated bunk.

I still stand by my theory that nothing prepares you for dealing with throw-up, and I will also say I, for one, have never gotten used to it, no matter how often it happens.  (And for the record, because this is the kind of conversations parents have, I would rather clean up poop than barf.  Any day of the week.)

However.  I may not be used to it, but I, at least now have a plan of action.  It's a triage situation, you see.  First, assess how to extricate the child.  ALWAYS START WITH THE CHILD.  If you are fortunate enough to have a co-parent nearby, you shout out assignments as you run to the scene.  "I'll get the bed, you get her in the bath!" You take the child in any clothes he/she is still wearing and go straight to the bath or shower and--I say this with utmost love--hose her down.  I mean, fully clothed and all.  Just hose the little sweet baby down.  Lucky me, this has often happened when I'm the only adult home, which has the added bonus that the vomit gets to stay and linger in the puke room, seeping it's nastiness into all crevices and textures, just soaking and letting its aroma spread as you are busy in the bath with the vomiter.

Next, you grab any washable item within a 6 foot radius of the incident and dump it straight in the wash.  This is especially important if you were not present for the throwing-up, as I was reminded of the hard way tonight.  I thought for sure that the Brave blanket was free and clear, and after I was tucking the clean and calm child back into her newly changed bed, she started to freak out again, pointing out that Princess Merida was far from clean.

The only upside of these horrid experiences (other than building up a stronger gag-reflex myself, and of course, strengthening my character) is that the kids love hearing these gruesome stories re-told.  "Tell again about when Asher had puke in his ears!" "Tell the one where Sydney was a baby and pooped up her back!"  We were reliving these awesome moments the other day and I added "And Carson, remember the time you were crying in the middle of the night, and I came to help you get down to go to the bathroom and you puked on top of me from the top bunk?!?!"

His answer, complete with hysterical laughter: "Oh my word!  That one is CLASSIC!"  I'm afraid it is, son.  I'm afraid it is.

Fish

I've decided to take a fast from F@cebook. I've noticed that I have an urge to check it multiple times a day.  When I'm tired, don't feel like tackling the to-do list, feeling a bit isolated from adult conversation or frustrated with unruly children, sitting down for a quick FB check and laugh and/or write my own funny little comment is a lovely diversion.  I don't think I need to (or want to) quit it permanently, but I thought it would be good to step away for a bit.  Also, the things I write on that site are short and superficial, usually.  It's good for my mental health to process things more deeply, like I can here.  I've wanted to get back into blogging a little more, so this might be a good motivation.

*

One thing I've been wanting to blog about is our little fish!  Sydney has been taking swimming lessons during the day for the last 6 weeks, and she's doing great!  She's very confident and making great progress. And even moreso...she LOVES it.  Gets her suit on 2 hours ahead of time, smiles and waves at me throughout the lesson, skips all the way to the locker room afterwards.  I mean, she's in the preschool level, so we're not doing laps or anything, but I swear I can see her small successes manifesting through self-confidence in other areas of her life.  (It could just be maturity, but I think the lessons help.)  We lucked out and there were only 3 kids in this class!

*

Is it just me, or does her teacher look like Aunt Becky?!

This is how we keep little bro busy.  I gotta say...keeping a toddler entertained in a loud aquatic center is SO MUCH easier than in a very strict karate observation area.  This is so much less stressful.

 

These are called her "alligator hands."

 

I love that she has no fear of the water or putting her face right in!  I was the opposite as a kid, so I'm glad she's not taking after me.

 

Go, Sydney, go!

 

We are so proud of this happy little swimmer!  Love that it makes her happy and feel good about herself and her skills.  In fact, we have one week off, then we're starting up again next week!

Strike while the iron's hot

I've been using this phrase to try to convince people in my life that I am not just on an emotional high.  ;)  I'm not kidding when I say Amy and I came home from our conference FIRED UP about creating a retreat for adoptive moms in the Northwest.  We are two fairly proactive women, and we kinda love planning events.  The train is on the tracks, people!  Last weekend was kind of like a camp high, but it was also amazingly educational, encouraging, refreshing and empowering.  I've FELT better about my role as a mother (to all three of my kids) this week, and I've consciously been making better decisions, especially regarding my interaction with my littlest babe.  It's a GOOD THING.  I think our motivation is more than emotion.  I truly think God stirred us up for a reason.  So many times I see needs around me and think "I wish there was something I could do."  Well, this time, there is a need and there IS something I can do!

As the days unfolded, Amy and I were averaging about 30 calls/emails/texts a day as we prayed and processed through a name and a theme verse and location and mission for our new ministry idea. There were some surprises: what if someone in Mexico or Scotland already had the name and url we wanted?  Do we want a more rustic, camp-like retreat that is cheaper, or a nicer, hotel-like retreat that is more expensive?  Should we plan for 30 or 130?  How do we honor the ministry we were inspired by, without seeming like we are ripping them off?

We were encouraged and uplifted by so many of you, offered assistance by dozens, helped by super savvy tech experts and a graphic designer, and contacted by all members of the adoption triad (birth moms, adoptees, adoptive parents) saying they would be interested in being involved.  Several people said "I know ___________ would love to come to this."

This week we are touring 2 locations and praying fervently about how, where and when this first retreat will take place.  We're waiting until we have some more concrete details to reveal what we've been working on, but you better believe we're gonna promote the heck out of it when we're ready.  :)

Several people have contacted me asking how they can help.   Right now you can pray for us, pray for God to open and close doors as He shows us the path to take.  Pray that this endeavor is ALWAYS for His glory and fame.  Pray that He will guide us. There are hundreds of tiny decisions to make, and several big ones.  Pray for the adoptive and foster moms who could benefit from this type of ministry, that they will have the family and financial support to attend. 

We've discovered we will need a bit of seed money.  The main thing we need right now is a deposit on a location: $500-$1000, depending on the site.  We're brainstorming some ideas on a fundraiser to get some cash on hand for this, as neither of us (in different stages of adoption payments) has it on hand.  This is not as high of a priority as, say, when I was crying out to you all in vulnerability and asking for you to help us bring our son home.  (Have I mentioned?  You did?!  You DID bring our son home?! A fact that is never, EVER lost on me.)  It is not urgent.  But if this is something on your heart and you wish to donate, I put a paypal button up on the top right that is connected to a separate account specifically for this retreat ministry.

You can talk to adoptive and foster moms you know in Oregon and Washington!  Tell them about the crazy girls who want to spoil them for a weekend and send them back better wives and moms.  Tell them you'll have more info soon!

You can think/brainstorm about tangible ways you could bless these mamas.  Do you have a connection to get little gifts we could give them?  Could you come one night at the retreat when we have a time of prayer and intercession?  Do you make a fabulous snack or treat that you want to bring and add to their special time away?  Could you come on our first day there and help them feel welcome and find their rooms?  I'm sure we'll have many more needs present themselves, and I completely rejoice that I feel like I can bring these needs to my village!

So that's the scoop for now.  Thanks for those who have inquired and shared our excitement!  We will keep you posted.  I promise.

Blur

Just FYI, we got a msg from our agency that the government in our son's home country has just decided they don't want us to post any public pictures until after finalization and we receive confirmation from that country.  Well....a little too late in the game for that!  Can't put the genie back in the bottle. So we are keeping all of our privacy settings tight on FB and I'm going to try not to post any new pics of little man on the blog (which is public) until that happens, which for us will be a couple months.  I think 2 of the three pics on my blog banner are not clear face shots, so I'm going to leave them.  But if you wonder why I blurred Asher's face on the family pic, that's why. 

FILLED part two

This last weekend at Created for Care, I felt like I was in the minority for having only one adopted child.   And many others that I met who had one adopted child were already in process for another...even if they had bio kids at home.  Of course with this rich experience, learning so much about God's heart for the fatherless AND how he loves and strengthens their parents (birth and forever) it was easy to start thinking about whether or not we should adopt again.  All the cool kids are doing it, Jen! But over the last several months, Trent and I have both been pretty sure our family is complete.  Just the thought of going through that process again exhausts me; it does not excite me. But was God telling me that I was being selfish?  Was he calling us to bring another child home?

At the end of the weekend, I had spent plenty of time alone and with God processing these thoughts.  I remember in January of 2010 when I knew with SUCH CERTAINTY that God was leading us toward adoption.  I mean, I have never felt the Holy Spirit moving in my heart like that.  We had total peace, despite the fact we had about $300 in our bank account.  And that was not what I was feeling this weekend.  The word that kept coming to my mind was "OPEN."  I think I am OPEN to the idea of adopting again in the future, but I do not think the time is now, and it might not ever be the time.  Our family feels just right.

 

However, the thought that did keep coming to my mind was how blessed I was this weekend. How much I needed it. How much it would benefit Asher and the rest of my family too, b/c it sent me back a better mama.  How this retreat was indirectly impacting over 1,000 adopted children around the country, who came from around the world.  This conference maxes out at 450, and it sold out in 2 hours.  TWO HOURS last August.  The waiting list is huge.  And some of us flew across the country for it, paying hundreds of dollars, b/c we needed it so badly.    The need for a ministry like this is so great.  Adoption is beautiful, but it is hard.  We need support. 

 

They had a little meeting for people who might be interested in starting something like this in their own area.  One of my close friends, Amy, was also at the conference.  I mean, she's a close friend in real life.  ;) We happen to have experience planning and running retreats together.  We went to that meeting and when it was done, we just stared at each other.  YES.  YES!  We must do this!  In that moment, we could name over 40 mamas in Oregon and Washington alone that we thought would be interested and could benefit from the support. And each of them probably has a friend. To say our wheels were turning is an understatement.  We were superfasttalking over each other and our hearts were pounding.  That holy spirit stirring I felt in 2010 to adopt?  I was feeling it again.  But not to adopt. This time I think He's gently prodding me to share this FILLED feeling with other mamas.

 

The whole flight home we would be silent for a while, then one of us would have another idea.  "You know what else?  I want to have a birth mom come and tell us her experience." "Yes!  And an adoptee." "YES!" "I think we would all need to hear each other's stories.  That part is so important."  "I think I know someone who would come and lead worship for free." "I know a place that would donate gifts.  It would be so cool to have some gifts for them." "Let's try to keep the cost as low as possible." "Yes, but also make it relaxing...not like camping." "True." "We have to include foster moms.  They need this too."  "YES.  And even people who are just starting the process." "I wonder if we could get volunteers to help prepare the meals?" "I think I know of a perfect retreat center we could use."  "I just thought of another mom who is considering adopting.  This would be great for her."

 

One of the cool things I learned about the C4C retreat was the team that ran it was made up of adoptive moms AND non-adoptive friends who have a heart for orphans and for supporting adoptive families.  I realized that if we were to do something like this, we could potentially ask for support (not necessarily monetary, but logistical too) from our friends and families who are not adoptive parents.  I saw what a wonderful ministry this could become, the many families that could be encouraged and all my precious NW friends would not have to worry about buying a plane ticket to Atlanta. I'm not saying we're planning for 450, but let's start with 50 and see what happens.

The director of C4C encouraged us to take the DVD's of the sessions and use them, but to make a mini-retreat of our own.  Come up with our own name.  In the spirit of the original, but custom-made for our unique group.  I loved that she had no desire to market herself or the C4C name.  She just has a vision to encourage. If you have ideas, suggestions or are interested in getting on board in a small or big way, feel free to let me know.  It may be small and casual, it certainly won't be at a big fancy resort, but this is happening, people.  Right now it looks like September 2013 might be our only opening at the retreat center we're considering.  Look out pacific northwest adoptive mamas!  These two girls have big plans for you.  :)

FILLED part one

Warning: long post.

This weekend I spent four days and three nights in Atlanta, Georgia at the Created for Care retreat.   It was such a kick for this pacific northwest girl to be in the south!  Knowing that the first year home with an adopted child is usually pretty rough, a friend told me about this retreat for Christian adoptive moms.  I didn't know if it would be possible for me to attend, but my kind husband took pity on this frazzled mommy and said we'd figure it out.  My bro/sis-in-law gifted me with airline miles for the plane ticket, and I don't know if they had any idea at the time what an amazing gift it would be!  I know I won't be able to make this an annual thing, but I desperately want to go back one more year.  If you are considering going, I will say I think it would be the most beneficial the year before your child comes home and the first year or two after they are home. 

I honestly cannot remember a time when I felt more FILLED.  It's kind of a foreign feeling, b/c I've felt like I'm running on empty for a good 10 months.  It would take 4 days to tell you all about it, but I promised a couple of my buds who couldn't go that I would take notes and tell you the highlights,so this is for you, C and J!  I also want to process and record so I can remember why this weekend was so great for me.

*True retreat.  The location was just beautiful...and no rain!  The beds were comfy and the lodge was cozy.  I think what really worked for me was that I was not in charge of anything or anyone!  I love our own church retreat here at home, but I'm one of the ones in charge, so it's not exactly restful.  This time I could wander in a little late after getting a latte or skip breakfast to get another hour of sleep if I so chose.  I also knew a handful of friends coming, and wanted to touch base with each one, but I didn't know a LOT of people there, and so didn't feel obligated to be especially social.  And did I mention?  No little people needed me.  Not even once was I asked for goldfish crackers or to wipe a bottom.  Good thing....that would have been really awkward.

*The mamas.  I know I just said I wasn't extra social, but the absolute best part about the weekend for me was connecting with other adoptive moms in all stages of the adoption process.  It was an amazing sense of connection and freedom to be surrounded by people who can relate to what I'm going through on a deep level--even the things I don't like saying out loud.  There were a handful of friends that I knew from online connections, my sweet cousin was there from Tennessee, and one friend in particular who adopted from T-land before me and has been a huge source of encouragement throughout our process.  I roomed with her and her cousin, and it was that rare experience when you meet people and it just clicks.  Kindred spirits.  Which was convenient, since you're sharing beds and a bathroom.  But every time I turned around--waiting for an elevator, sitting at lunch/dinner/breakfast, shopping the vendor tables, going through the snack line--I was able to hear another adoption story.  Everyone had a nametag with the flag of their child's home country--it was a great conversation starter.  OH MY WORD--the stories!  You guys.  I can't even begin to tell you.  I'm crying just thinking of them. Every adoption story is beautiful and amazing and difficult and born out of loss.  But I had no idea.  I was humbled by the lengths some of these women went through to bring their children home from the ends of the earth.  I bawled at the stories of pain, lack of attachment, trauma, death, illness...some of these mamas and their kiddos are still in the trenches.  Deep, deep trenches, you guys.  But many more had come out on the other side and were sharing stories of God's healing, redemption, restoration, faithfulness and daily sustenance.  I have a special heart for hearing stories about families who seemed "full" to the world, but God whispered to those parents that their families were not complete.  And I loved my sweet roomie and new bestie T, whose adoption/pregnancy path was like a novel with so many twists, leading them to four children, now ages 4,3,2 and 1--both homegrown and from around the world--the last 3 entering their family within about 10 months of each other.  I loved that the world would look at the women in this room and their big, colorful families and think they are CRAZY!  To be honest, I kinda thought some of them were crazy.  Almost everyone I met who had already adopted was adopting again...some of these women were on kiddo #5,6 or 7!!! 

*The worship.  Oh, I can't even.  The quality and the depth and heart of the worship and leader were just beyond expectation.  I love that we were led by a woman, and her voice was blowing me away.  Then I found out she was already on my ipod--Candi Pearson Shelton is her name and look her up right now on iTunes.  Sing to the King is a well-known worship tune she led for Passion, and Restoration is Your Song will bring you to your knees.  I spent my souvenir money buying her CD's.  But what brought many, many tears was singing words like "Oh.  How he loves us.  Oh how HE LOVES US," and "You are peace when my fear is crippling" and "His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me" with all these women who are, as a body, seeking the Father's heart for ourselves and our children.  It was complete surrender and complete empowerment in one.

*The information and insight.  We had large group sessions and smaller breakout sessions.  It pains me to try to pick a few notes to share, but I will try for you, CB.  ;)  One of the most thought-provoking speakers of the weekend was an adult adoptee.  Her name is Carissa Woodwyk and you can check out her blog HERE.   She is a great speaker and writer. She shared with us that, although adopted as an infant, her deep fear of rejection has never left her.  She asked us to think hard about the words we use to talk to our adopted children, and the subtext of those words.  For instance, when her parents said, "God's will was for you to be in our family," that was difficult for her, b/c it was hard for her to understand why God "wanted" for her to lose everything and for her birth mother to go through tremendous pain and loss.  She said she just wanted to hear that it was God's will that she was born into this world, that her life was important, and that He desired and loved her.  That maybe we could explain to our children that because this world is full of sin and pain and hurt, sometimes hard things happen--and that we believe that it must have grieved God's heart that our babies could not be raised by their birth parents.  But because He is a God of restoration and redemption, it pleases him to place children without a family into a family.

Slightly more thought-provoking was that she encouraged us in the Christian world to have caution with how (and how often) we use the word orphan.  She said she bristles at that word, because as a former orphan, she feels it implies that a child is helpless, vulnerable and needy.  A victim in need of rescuing.  She said that no orphan wants to be adopted as a rescue mission.  They may be born into poverty and pain, they may be relinquished or lose family members, but they aren't needy and "less than," waiting for someone stronger to come and save them.  They just want to be loved.  As we all do.  She cautioned us to examine our hearts and make sure that we are not attempting to play superhero in this adoption process, but that we are truly desiring to grow our families and our homes--committing to love and parent this child forever, no matter what.  It possibly ruffled feathers, but I think it's always healthy to examine our motivation and how our syntax affects everyone in the adoption triad.

I attended a seminar on Connecting while Correcting that was so full of gems that I will just say this: go read The Connected Child by Karen Purvis. I know I'm going to again. The best nugget for me was this:  you can have structure (discipline) but you HAVE to have an equal amount of nurture or you will see no progress in your child's behavior.  Connecting has to come before correcting.  I've come home with a strong determination to snuggle the crap out of this little man who does not like to hold still for longer than .4 seconds.  You WILL be nurtured, child!  Another soundbite is this: compassion does not have an expiration date.  Just because your child has been home ________ months/years, does not mean that their adoption trauma is not still affecting them (and their behavior), and you cannot expect them to "get over it."  So many of us go into this thinking that since we plan to love all our children equally, that we can parent them equally, and after this book/class, I am convinced again that is just not true.

Another great seminar I attended was about how to talk to your kids about their adoption.  Much of the info I'd read before, but it was really good.  I'm having the notes emailed to me, and can share them if you'd like.  One really good note was for families who have not been matched yet.  It was a reminder that in the excitement of the day when you get your child's file, remember not to share personal or private information about your child's birth story that you do not want them to hear from anyone else.  It may not seem like a big deal at the time to tell Aunt Judy the sad details of your child's birth mother, but if Judy tells her husband and then 7 years later Uncle Doug accidentally shares the painful info with your kiddo at Thanksgiving dinner...that's a problem.  It's best to keep the details to a bare minimum and just tell people you're keeping the child's story...well, the child's.  

There were other great tips on how to communicate the difference between secrecy and confidentiality, how to empower your children to talk about (or NOT talk about) their own adoption to others, and tips on when it might be best to reveal the whole story to your child....difficult details and all.  Bottom line was that you need to start talking about adoption the minute your child enters your family, keep the communication lines open and clear, and always welcome the topic if your child brings it up.  They will sense your body language and any hesitancy might be read as a message that you are uncomfortable or threatened by the topic. Be sure you let them know that whatever they are feeling is OK.  Don't tell them you understand...unless you are an adoptee yourself.  Always speak of their birth family with honor and respect.  Always emphasize their inherent worth and value.



There truly was so much more I could tell you about what I experienced this weekend, but I have a feeling only about 3 of you have made it this far.  I do have more to say about a vision and passion God stirred in my heart while I was there.  I definitely came away with a plan to move forward on something and I'll give you a hint...it's not towards another adoption in our family.  :) 

The sass is strong with this one

The sleeping situation in our itty bitty house has been a bit of fruit basket-upset over the last 6 months.  Currently Asher is sleeping in his crib in Sydney's room, her bed is empty, and she is sleeping on the bottom bunk in "the boys" room, which we still call Carson's room.  This leads to all kinds of confusing titles as "your room" and "your bed" are not straightforward, especially for the younger two.  But Ashman is a pretty noisy sleeper (and waker), so we need him to sleep alone, but definitely also need him confined to a lovely crib, as he's a bit of a flight risk.  The bunk bed sitch has been good for the big sibs I think.  It's some forced bonding.  Instead of a nightlight, we strung an bunch of colored Christmas lights around the room, and it gives it a very cheery glow that they both love.

For some reason, a few nights ago, Sydney was unusually teary and scared to go to sleep.  (Unrelated and prior to any national news that might make children teary and scared.)  I was trying to calm her with my wise mommy moves, telling her that a)her big brother is 2 feet away, b)her parents are in the next room and c) God will never leave her, and he is stronger than Carson AND Daddy.  I got very spiritual and told her God knows just what is scaring her and how to help her feel calm.  I told her that God knows everything about her, including how many red hairs are on that head.  I started to look around the room, and I said God knows exactly how many Christmas lights are in this room, thinking that would really impress her.

Then, from the previously silent top bunk, a deep little voice says "Uh, even I know that: two hundred.  One hundred in each box."  He didn't actually vocalize the "DUH" but it was strongly inferred by his tone of voice.  As was the eye roll.

I swear that kid sleighs me.

Also, on the night of the horrors in CT, I crawled up into the top bunk with C, loving on him and getting teary.  He didn't seem to know anything was up, so I didn't offer any information, but I just told him that if he ever had any questions about ANYTHING, that he could ask me and I would always tell him the truth.  He kind of nodded.  I told him how much I loved him.  He nodded.  I thought he was looking sad.  But then his eyes got wide and he said, "Whoa!  I just threw up in my mouth a little bit! Weird!"

So, okay.  We're good?  Mkay. 

Oh, thank you Lord for my sassy, disgusting, distractable, smarty-pants boy.

The NAME

I remember watching the news about the Columbine shootings from my college dorm room.  I was so sad.  So very sad.  But hearing the news about the school shooting today--in an elementary school, many of the victims being from the same kindergarten--I felt a stabbing grief that was unlike anything I've experienced.  I can only assume it is because now I'm a mommy, I have a child who was in kindergarten last year and one next year.  Because I know the way my stomach drops when I see I'm getting a call from the school during class hours and I worry that my child has broken an arm or puked in class.  I'm sure like many of us, just as I was able to distract myself from the horror, a wave of it would wash over me.  I found myself just sobbing, SOBBING as I thought of the fear of those kids and teachers, and the parents.  OH, Lord.  The parents.  Racing through town, only to be kept away from the school while they waited the most agonizing minutes of their lives, wanting to know of their child was in the room where "the classroom is unaccounted for."  I couldn't stop crying today.

In fact, I was feeling so overwhelmed by my vicarious grief that I was reminded of a story I heard recently by Lysa Terquerst.  She said she was speaking at a women's conference and her staff came to get her back stage to comfort a woman out in the lobby who was upset.  Upset was an understatement.  This sweet grandma had just received news that her two precious grandchildren had burned to death in a fire that morning, a fire it seems was set by their mother's boyfriend.  The kids had been with her the week before, and she had wanted to keep them, but for whatever reason, could not, and had to put them on a plane back to their mother.  And now they were gone.  This women, rightfully so, was OVERCOME with grief and sorrow.  She was inconsolable, and Lysa said she had no idea how to even begin to comfort her.  Lysa, a wise author and speaker, had no words.

So she just cried with the woman and started saying the name of Jesus.  Over and over.  "Jesus.   Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus.  Oh, Jesus." And soon the woman, through her sobs, starting saying it with her.  It did not take her grief away.  It did not make it all better.  But it gave her a life raft when she was drowning.  It gave her a glimmer of hope when she had NONE.  If it did not give her immediate peace, it pointed her in the direction of the Prince of Peace.

I will never forget this story, and I've found myself coming back to it on days like this.  I know it might sound silly if you don't know Jesus in the same way I do.  But all I can tell you is this: there is POWER in that name. When I don't know what to do.  When I don't know what to say. When my heart is overwhelmed and broken.  When I can't explain or understand this broken world.  When so much innocent blood was shed.  When evil seems to have won.  When I need a life raft because I feel like I'm drowning in the messed up place that is NOT MY HOME.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Oh, Jesus, be near.