Grateful

Hey, I'm back to the normal blog!  We're home now, and the agency said we're free to share pics publicly online now.  (We still like to maintain some privacy, so please avoid referencing our last name or hometown.)

I know you all must be thinking I'm obsessed with blogging every detail. You're kind of right!  The past week has already become a bit of a blur.  I don't remember which day we did what and when he had this breakthrough or that extreme bout of grief.  The blogging truly has become like a diary for me, and I'm just sharing it with you.  :)

We've been home for less than 24 hours, but I'm feeling good and the rest of my family is occupied (Trent & Asher sleeping, big kids playing in the front with their buddy), so I'm taking a minute to jot down some positive things about the last few days, which have been long!

Reasons I'm feeling grateful:
*For our families!  We missed our big kids like crazy.  It brought me to tears a number of times and made my physically hurt.  I remember another mother in our situation said something so true:  "Being here without them makes the trip so much easier.  And it makes it so much harder."  I thought that exact thought many times.  But I had such a peace about where they were and whom they were with.  It was our family members, whom we are very close to, and whom our kids know and love and trust.  I also know that they love our kids unconditionally, so I wasn't overly worried that C and S would drive them bonkers and they'd never want to watch them again!  (I'm not saying C and S didn't drive anyone bonkers...just that family forgives. Ha!)  I just can't tell you what a peace of mind it gave me.  Plus, they all rotated in and out of our home, keeping things in better shape than when we left!  Leaving snacks, foods, coffee creamer, mopped floors, cleaned freezers and completed projects when they left.

*Asher has re-learned that baths can be a positive thing.  In our new hotel in Bangkok he took 3 LONG baths.  He smelled great and we used it as a way to pass the time.  When we were stuck in Seoul for 9.5 hours, we paid for a teeny little hotel room IN the airport. (Totally worth it, btw.)  It had a small bathroom with a glass door shower, and a hand-held nozzle.  I put him in there with some lukewarm water, a bar of hotel soap and some IKEA stacking blocks and in that 9 hours, he took two shower baths that were both about 50 minutes each!  (While I sat on the toilet lid and enjoyed the free airport wi-fi.)

*We stayed healthy in Thailand!  This was a big concern for me, and I truly think that being healthy helped us stay stronger emotionally for the draining and intense experience that it was.  Asher, as well, never had more than a minor runny nose, which allowed him to experience several take-offs and landings pain free.  Thank you, Lord!  (Also--I will now swear by Airborne and Emergen-C, because I used both like crazy and it seemed to work.)

*Our son is a good sleeper.  As with staying healthy, I think the fact that we got a decent night's sleep each and every night was a huge factor in how we were able to function.  He did struggle some, and needed bottles/comfort during the night, but even at the height of his grieving, we had no really long, sleepless nights.  The sleeping also made the plane rides manageable (which is good, b/c when he was awake he was kind of a holy terror.) We happened to have both of our long flights during what his body concerned "night time" which was a plus.  An age-appropriate dose of Benadryl also helped.  ;)  He slept literally for 5 of the 5 and a half hour flight from BKK to Seoul, and about 7.5 of the 10 hour flight from Seoul to Seattle.  That big pink silky bedspread was a pain to drag around the world, but I was oh-so-happy we had it!  At one point on the longest flight, he was so agitated in his sleeping on our laps that I just laid that thing on the floor and he slept so much more peacefully!  This lasted for a good 6 hours, but when they turned the lights back on, a flight attendant walked by and said "SIR!  Your baby!  He's on the ground!"  Trent said "Yes.  He is."  "He has to be in a seat."   BOO!  He didn't wake up right away, but it certainly was the beginning of the end for our peaceful, sleeping child.

*Our son is a good eater.  We have yet to find a food that he doesn't like.  Although today we tried grill-cheese * turkey sandwiches today and he dug out the cheese and turkey and passed on the bread.  We have learned that some of his favorites are: chicken, grapes, red bell peppers, cucumbers, banana, noodles, rice, pears...those are just some off the top of my head.  This has already made the transition to the US a little easier for all of us.  We are trying to incorporate some Thai-style food as much as possible, but he's been doing great with the American-type foods we've given him so far.  However, he is a MESSY eater.  I swear, it's like Cookie Monster the muppet....we know that the cookie goes into his felt mouth, and we see lots of crumbs flying, but not sure that anything actually gets swallowed.  For some reason, he (Asher, not Cookie Monster) likes to stick his finger (or fingers) into his mouth while he's chewing.  It's like he's pushing the food around with his finger instead of his tongue.  This makes excessive amounts of drool and chewed up foods fall out of mouth continuously!  But I said I was going to focus on the positives, so let's just say:  I'm grateful for wet wipes. SO. MANY. WIPES.

*We met so many neat people along the way.  Just on the way home alone, I had some great conversations with people about Thailand, adoption, the pacific northwest, Holt, etc.  One of our favorites was a group of people we were sitting with at the gate in Bangkok.  Our flight was delayed about 45 minutes, so we had lots of chat time (at 12:30 am) with the people around us.  First there was an American grandma with her Thai daughter-in-law and 8 month old grandbaby.  We also met was a Thai woman and her American husband.  And the people we talked the most with was a Thai couple who live in Dallas, who were probably in their early 60's.  They were sitting right behind us and overheard us telling the others that we were adopting Asher.  They told us they adopted a son (from Thailand after they had moved to the states) 28 years ago.  They both have graduate degrees and retired from high-paying jobs to own a few businesses.  We didn't talk about when they moved to the US, but they were both fluent in Thai and English, with a strong accent.  They played and interacted with Asher like true grandparents, speaking to him in Thai, which made him smile.  The wife asked me why we chose Thailand, and I told her we were drawn to the program b/c of the foster family aspect, but also did some research about the country itself and found ourselves feeling good about this country being a place we would like to be connected with from now on, a place that we could learn about and teach our son and help him feel connected to his home country.  She had tears in her eyes and said "Thank you for saying that."  It was really sweet.  She said their son is not married, but they are really wanting to have some grandbabies!

*We survived the first night at home with minimal jet-lag damage.  I've heard it gets worse in the next few days, but so far we're doing pretty well.  We kept Asher awake until 8pm, and we crashed around 9, and although it was a pretty restless night for all 3 of us, with several wakings and cryings, we never had to absolutely give up and get up and play with him.  He settled in for a deeper sleep around 5am and we let him sleep until 8.  We'll see how the next few days go.  We've been trying to play outside and let lots of sunlight in!  Also, I had my first mug of fresh coffee (first fully caffeinated in weeks!) with my coffeemate creamer and it was oh-so-delicious and helpful getting going this morning.

*My big kids are being rockstars with their new brother!  Many of you have seen the picture of them holding his hand and walking in the airport.  Too much!  Again, I acknowledge that we are 100% in the honeymoon stage right now, but I'm loving it while I have it.  Asher walked into the house following Carson and Sydney last night and didn't hesitate one second.  They spent the entire evening playing and smiling and mimicking and hugging and kissing.  Asher was in first-world toy heaven.  Everywhere he turned there was something new and fun to play with.  His favorites so far are the baby stroller (our ankles and toys have the bruises to prove it) and the strawberry shortcake remote control car--er, strawberry.  The kids practiced saying "Sawat-dee" while we were gone, and Sydney says it constantly to him!  Carson is doing a great job, of altering between calling him Asher and Saran as he gets used to both names.  We've also seen Asher respond better to our re-direction and disipline now that the kids are in on it too.  There's been less spitting and biting for sure.  I feel kind of bad for him, when he has four people saying "MAI-DAI!!" (don't touch) as he heads for the flat screen!  I give it less than 48 hours before they start to get on each other's nerves, but for today?  I'm enjoying have two built-in babysitters.  Carson did refuse to change a poopy diaper, though.  Psh.  Whatever.

*Can't tell you how grateful I am for all of you!  I know that internet community doesn't replace real-life community.  Fortunately, many of you are both.  But I can honestly tell you that the feedback, the comments, the prayers, the messages...they absolutely sustained me in the days before our departure and as we plowed through the difficult days in the oppressive heat of Thailand!  I'm grateful to share our journey, the beauty and the sorrow.  Thanks for coming along for the wild ride, and I have to tell you...the wild part is really just beginning! 

Makin' the switch!

Hey friends!  So, from now until we are home from Thailand in mid June, I will not be blogging here.  I'll be blogging at www.brazenlillybaby.wordpress.com and it is password protected.  The password is my maiden name, all lower case letters.  If you don't know it, but want to follow along, you can email me at brazenlilly@hotmail.com and I'd love for you to tell me how you found my blog.  Thanks!  Jen

Oh for the love.

So, in case you haven't heard, forget everything I said about the private blog sitch.  It was much ado about nothing.  After messing around with all the settings, the permissions, and preparing to manually enter in over 200 email addresses of wonderful and supportive friends & family, I found out blogger only allows you to invite 50 people.  Wamp, wamp.

So, plan B, which was actually the original plan A, is that I will be blogging on our other blog, which is www.brazenlillybaby.wordpress.com.  Starting this week, I'm going to be posting over there, so I can get as comfortable as possible with the setup.  It is password protected, so there is still privacy for the pictures, which is what our agency cares about.  The password throughout our time in Thailand will be my maiden name, all lower case letters.  You're still welcome to email me at brazenlilly@hotmail.com if you'd like to ask for the password.  If you go over there right now you'll see pictures of Sydney as I'm experimenting with the picture posting.  :)

While I'm here, I want to give you #2 of my top 4 prayer requests, b/c this one is kind of a biggie.

Will you please pray for my Asher's heart?

It's kind of the biggest deal of this whole shindig.  See, just to recap if you're just joining us, Asher has been living with a foster family in a rural area of Thailand since he was 4 days old.  A mom, dad, 2 big sisters and a 5 month old baby. Tomorrow he will turn 20 months.  This family has loved him, fed him, comforted him, played with him, lived life with him for as long as he can remember.  It is the only life he knows.  He's only ever seen one other caucasian person, and he wasn't too excited about her.  :)  Our agency pursues adoption with birth relatives, then with Thai nationals (including, I understand, the foster family if they are interested or able) before allowing a child to be adopted into the US.  So I believe that coming into our family is now the best option for our son.  I believe he can heal and trust and bond and attach.

But, friends.  He is going to be so very sad.  And probably scared.  And hurt.  And sad some more.

I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for, because it would be weird if he just walked in and smiled and hugged us.  Weird as in something is wrong in this child's brain.  I guess I'm just praying that we will see progress in his attachment to us as quickly as possible, and that his grieving will not be prolonged, that he will begin to see us as a safe place.  We plan to comfort him as best as we can, while honoring and respecting the fact that he has every reason in the world to be freaking the heck out!  I don't know what that's going to look like.  Probably what gives both Trent and me the most anxiety is wondering how bad it will be and how--IF--we will be able to help our new son.

A friend of mine said she is praying that after looking at our pictures Asher will have dreams about us.  Another friend said she is praying that he will hear our voices (we sent a recording on a little pen) and recognize and be comforted by them.  And I guess I just ask that throughout this whole crazy month coming up that you will think of him and pray for him. Pray for peace in his heart and mind, and for us, that we will have wisdom and know how to comfort him.

G.A.S.P.

Just a reminder: the blog is going private next week!  I've loved hearing from so many of you--it took a drastic measure to get some of you to de-lurk!  Ha!  You will need an invite to view the private blog. Just leave a comment with your email address, let me know on Facebook, or email me privately at brazenlilly@hotmail.com and I will add you to the list.

A friend of mine recently told me about a concept she learned through Moms in Touch.  It's called G.A.S.P. which is a cheesy mnemonic device for the very real and non-cheesy promise that God Answers Specific Prayers.  We have been SO BLESSED by how many of our friends and family (and blog lurkers!) have come along on this journey with us, and many of you share our faith and have offered to pray for us as we finish the waiting chapter and begin the new chapter of meeting and getting know our new son.  I wanted to take a few blog posts and give you some of our specific prayer requests so you can have an idea of what is deepest on our hearts and intercede for us as we will, most likely, be pretty weary travellers.

#1
My number one prayer request is this: I PRAY THAT IN EVERY ASPECT OF THIS ADOPTION THAT GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED.  God has blessed me with a big mouth and fast typing fingers and a desire to document our story, but I will tell you this:  I am not any more special or amazing than any of you reading this.  I never want people to look at us and think what wonderful people we are because we are adopting.  My heart's desire is for people to hear my story and say WOW!  Praise God!  He CALLED this family to adopt, He made it possible for them to do it, and now there is going to be one less orphan in this world!  God has provided a father to the fatherless, and he CARES for children.

People. You gotta understand.  HE CHANGED MY HEART!  He opened my eyes in January of 2010 and said "Jennifer.  Look around this world.  There are millions of children who need a home, and you are going to open yours.  This is not someone else's problem.  It is yours.  It breaks My heart and for MY GLORY, I am going to break yours.  You don't think you can do it, but I will help you.  YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE IN THIS." 

TRUE. STORY.

(BTW, praise God He did a similar work in my husband at the same time!  But this is my blog and so I'm telling you about the conversation He had with me.)

So, if you are praying, pray that as we encounter multiple friends and acquaintances here in the US, as we meet many adoptive families around the world, as we share our news with Target employees, travel agents, hotel workers, social workers, tuk-tuk drivers and FOSTER MOTHERS, that the focus will not be on us.  It will be on HIM.  That something about our story will strike a chord and draw all eyes to the Almighty.  Because this plan was HIS, and we're just grateful we were invited to be a part.

As an addendum to this request, my prayer is that our story will peak the curiosity and conviction of other families about their ability and calling to adopt, and/or take up the cause of orphans. One of the best gifts anyone has given me (and I've been very spoiled these last couple of months!) was a heart-felt, stream of consciousness letter from a very good friend.  She told me how God has used OUR adoption to change HER.  She does not feel called to adopt, but she, too, has felt God open her eyes to the needs of orphans around the world.  She is learning, praying, giving, supporting and educating others, and this conviction kind of began from me talking her ear off about this little baby boy in Thailand. 

Thank you for reading, supporting and praying!  I have 3 more specific requests that I'll share soon.  Also?  We leave in 12 days.  !!!!!!

Upcoming changes!

Hey all!  Good news--I haven't had an emotional meltdown this week!  I did, however, make the mistake of going into babies r us for  "just one thing" for which I had a gift card.  Turns out it's not just for babies, there is plenty of fun stuff for toddlers, and it also reminds me of all sorts of things I still want.  Notice I didn't say "need."  I mean, Desitin, yogurt melts, a snuggly blanket and a new crib sheet might feel necessary, but I know in my head they are not.  Well, the Desitin is debatable.

I also make a decision that affects ALL OF YOU!  I've decided that starting next week, Brazenlilly is going private for a month or so.  I was going to try to blog on wordpress during our Thailand trip, b/c I can password protect it, but I'm just not very familiar with that format and it will be so much easier for me just to stick with this blog and put any pictures on here.  But I don't feel comfortable doing that while it is public. (Our agency has told us that it's fair game once we are home.)

You will need an email invitation from me to access the blog.  From what I understand, it's best to have me send it to whatever email account is connected to google or blogger, so that you'll be able to see the blog when you're signed in.  I'm collecting a list of emails starting today, so leave a comment if you want an invite, and if you think I may not have your address, include that.  If we're friends on FB, you can msg me there, or you can also email me at brazenlilly@hotmail.com.  But a warning...I don't check it very often.  I'll check it for sure next week before I start sending out the email invites and make the blog private.

Today at preschool pick-up, one of the other moms asked if we had any big plans this summer.  I just smiled and said "Yeah, you could say that."  Oh, and by the by, we leave for Thailand two weeks from TOMORROW!  Maybe I spoke too soon...I'm feeling that emotional meltdown coming on....

Mother

If you only read this blog and never talk to me in person, you probably think I'm an emotional wreck right now, a complete roller coaster.  Well, OK, if you've talked to me in person lately, you might think that too!  But today I'm feeling very joyful.  Partly for myself, b/c look at these two precious faces down there, and one more little brown-eyed boy whose picture I look at every day, and I am SO LUCKY to be a mom!  Tantrums, pukes, and broken screens included.  I do not take it for granted that I was blessed to have biological children, nor that I was called to adopt a third child.  It's the joy of my life!

(PS: I know he looks angry, but this time he was just thinking hard about his music.)

I also can't stop smiling today for so many other mamas right now.  My cousin Aubry endured a torturous several weeks of uncertainty as she and her husband waited to complete the adoption of their newborn twins, Casey and Carter.  And now she's completely and utterly sleep deprived and happier than she's ever been!  She's the type of person who you just KNOW is going to be an amazing mother!  I wish she lived closer so I could snuggle those babies!

*

My sis-in-law, Jess, whom many of you prayed for, waited in agony for over a year, fightng back against the diagnosis of infertility.  Then, at the beginning of her pregnancy, she was told numerous times that it was not "viable" and that she has miscarried.  Wrong--heartbeat!  THEN, after the first trimester, there was an abnormality on an ultrasound that indicated there could be some serious genetic disorder for the baby.  But now?  Clean bill of health for mommy and my BABY NIECE!  She's got a healthy little girlie-girl in that tummy and I shed tears of joy just thinking about it!

*

My friend Deirdre is in Thailand right now, and this morning she MET her daughter for the first time, in the very hotel where we will meet our son three weeks from today!  Looking at her pictures and reading her story just fills my heart with--have I already said this?-- JOY!  They had a great first day with their daughter and visited her foster family.  Kind of like birth stories and referral stories, I can't get enough of pictures and stories of when mama's and daddy's meet their BABIES!

*

So, there's the UP for this bi-polar blogger.  Stay tuned and I'm sure I'll have a crisis of emotions later this week.  I mean, go easy on me, it's kind of like I'm in the ninth month of pregnancy, right?  But actually, I'm in the 26th month of pregnancy, so I'm REALLY hormonal!  ;)

MAY

 So, guess who has two thumbs and is going to Thailand this month?  THIS GIRL!  I kind of can't believe it.  Oh boy, I have a lot to do!  A friend asked me the other day: what is my primary emotion when I think of leaving so soon.  I said my primary emotion is nervousness and anxiety over Asher, his grief and transition time.  But a very close second is excitement and happiness that we are finally nearing the end of the wait and the beginning of the parenting of this sweet little man we already call our son.  I will eat these words in about 5 weeks, but I actually love traveling.  I get excited to plan out what books to read, what music to listen to, what sleeping pills to take for the flights.  ;)  I do NOT love travelling with toddlers, so the trip home I'm not super excited about, other than it will be bringing our son home to his brother and sister.

Speaking of the big bro and sis, they are both still exhibiting the frustrating behaviors I mentioned last week.  It is still draining and exhausting, but on most days (not all) I'm feeling a bit stronger to deal with it.  These are the books I have on my nightstand:  The Strong-Willed Child; Parenting the Explosive Child; Love and Logic; You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded; Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child and Warrior Prayers.  Each night when I lay down in bed, I have a plethora of experts just waiting to share their wisdom with me.  :)  I'm still very excited about the 21 day prayer challenge while reading through the Warrior Prayers book.  I'm sorry I didn't email back to each of you who said you will do the book with me, but I'm so grateful not to be in this alone!  Even if your son isn't getting out of time out by breaking his screen, jumping out his window, only to come back around the front of the house and into the hallway to taunt you where you are sitting in front of his bedroom door to make sure he doesn't leave the room....I hope it is a healthy and beneficial exercise for you too.  Leave a msg if you want me to email you the PDF.  I'm only on day 2, and to be honest, day 1 was hell in this household (and the window incident was last week!).  But I still read and prayed and was reminded how badly we need to take these trials to the Throne.

But on a lighter note, here are some pics from the last couple of weeks, especially of Ms. Bird, who hasn't been getting much air time on the ol' blog.  She now takes baths while her big bro takes showers, and she relishes the alone time and does lots of talking to herself and singing.  It's a happy place.  And it makes her hair crazy and fun--more than usual.

The first day we had a really sunny afternoon in March was like Christmas around here.  Everyone came outside to play and have a picnic, and while Carson was playing basketball, this one just laid down and soaked it in.  She didn't fall asleep here, but I thought she might.

 But another day she did crash on the couch.  She's still a finger-sucker, and I'm probably a horrible parent, but I'm not in a hurry to make her stop!  It's so cute and reminds me of when she was an infant.

 Carson has some friends in the neighborhood, and one is a sweet kinder girl from his class.  She has been taking karate for a few years, and so their favorite thing to do is stack up all the costco paper towels and toilet paper into a really tall tower, then she teaches him karate moves to knock them down. 

 They also have deep talks over sidewalk chalk.

 That's my girl! 



Update on Debbie (Downer, that is)

Oh, people.  You are so kind to me.  I should publicly document my emotional breakdowns more often, b/c ya'll rose to the task of talking this mama down from the ledge.  Seriously, thank you for all your comments, both here and on Facebook, the hugs in real life, and also the many private texts and messages of encouragement I got...friends sharing their own challenges with bio and adopted children, failures and successes, and especially stories of overcoming grief, anger, sadness, trauma...all of that super fun parenting stuff.

Carson and I had our first counseling appointment yesterday.  We didn't get as many concrete practical steps as I was hoping (so basically, one hour should solve all of our problems, right?!) but I think it was a very positive experience for both of us.  We each had a chance to talk to the counselor privately and together, and then we had a great discussion over frozen yogurt afterwards.   Just talking about the anger issue, making sure Carson knows that we love him and want to help him, not just punish him, but that we need to deal with it and there will be consequences to his actions...all of that was good stuff.  It's a total victory in my mind to get an impulsive 6 year old boy to talk (and listen) for an hour.

I loved hearing from you other adoptive mamas.  It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, it is never too many times to be told from someone who's been there (many of you have literally been there, in Bangkok, with a grieving 20 month old) that our son--and WE--will be okay and will get through this.  Thanks so much for understanding and speaking love and truth to this anxious girl.

Another friend sent me a link to a blog I'd never read, called The MOB Society--For Mother's of Boys.  It is definitely from a Christian perspective.  I started reading through several of the posts and stumbled on an upcoming challenge called 21 Days of Prayer for Sons.  See, this last Saturday I attended a mini-prayer retreat at our church, and I'm not sure I realized how emotionally vulnerable and anxious I was feeling about all these parenting/adoption issues until I walked into the church building and basically didn't stop crying for about 3 hours.  That's a lot of crying, even for Weepy McTeary here. We spent some intense time talking to the Lord, reading His word and learning to listen to His voice.  I found myself crying out for my children, and the issues that currently are heaviest on my heart are that of my 2 sons.  Two boys, who have never met, who look nothing alike, 5 years, one day and eight thousand miles apart, but both of whom are MY SONS.  They are the boys I want to raise to be godly men, whose hearts and minds are treasures that I guard with my life.  They have been consuming my thoughts lately. So the thought of some wise person walking me through 21 days of purposeful prayer for them sounded amazingly perfect.

If you are a mother of a boy or two or more, I encourage you to take this challenge with me!  We're going to go through the book Warrior Prayers together, and it's an ebook, so you'll have to download it onto your computer (which would be a PDF, you could read on your phone, computer or laptop or print out), nook or kindle.  The challenge is May 1-21.    Then you commit to the 21 days and sign up on the blog if you'd like.  Or just do it without signing up.  I'm going to link to the blog on my list to the right and I think they'll do daily posts during the challenge. That's pretty much all I know so far, but to be honest, I didn't really need to know more.  Prayer? Good.  Prayer for my boys?  Excellent.

I'll leave with you with this blue haired child, for whom it is all worth it:

... and the not so good.

I hinted in the last post that my emotional state has not been uber-peachy lately.  I think each of us in our family is dealing with the wait and the looming transition in different ways.  Unfortunately, each of my kids is going through some really difficult behavioral seasons.  I know this in and of itself is not unusual, but so far in our parenting journey, they don't usually freak out at the same time.  :) 

I want to respect their privacy, so I won't go into huge detail, but I want to share a bit for 2 reasons.  First, I'd love your prayers.  For me, for my husband, for our kids, for our relationship with them, for our transition to a family of 5, and our separation for 2 weeks.  But the second reason is I think that there's a tendency to have an "online reality" that isn't true to the "real life reality."  I get a little bitter when bloggers (or just FB friends) always paint this amazing portrait of their happy lives--cute things their kids did, little date night ideas, how much they LOVE being a mommy every second of every day and oh by the way did you see how my kids and I remodeled our huge playroom using only recycled materials and chalkboard paint while I was churning my own butter and jarring my organically grown green beans while the children recited Psalm 119 from memory and checked off their extensive and meticulously updated chore chart?!?! Clearly it gets to me.  I want you to know that I do LOVE being a mother, and I adore my kids, but we're having a hard time, darn it!

Carson has always had a strong will (understatement) and a temper.  But in the past few months he's really struggling with keeping the anger at bay.  (also understatement)  I'M struggling with how best to deal with that in a loving way and not cry myself to sleep each night.  Trent and I have prayed about it and decided that Carson and I should talk with a family counselor.  I share that, too, b/c I wish there wasn't a stigma around seeking help from a professional.  I just want him to have the opportunity to talk about how he's feeling--about the upcoming transitions?  about life?  about being the oldest?  about his angry triggers? about his mean mom?  I don't care.  I just want to HELP HIM.  And also?  Help me. I'll be meeting with the counselor as well.  Much of the time he's himself: funny, smart, loving, snuggly, witty, creative, kind.  Did I mention funny?  But when the underbelly is showing up as much as it has been lately, we want to work on that.  Especially if it has anything to do with bringing a new little bro home, who will have his own emotional baggage to deal with.

Sydney is having her own issues. She has always been a mama's girl.  A little clingy, kind of needy.  But she's so stinkin' cute and sweet that it's not that big of a deal!  Of course I'll drop everything and snuggle on the couch!  But lately, a 20 minute snuggle time is not enough.  It just doesn't recharge her batteries like it used to.  She has to be with me--TOUCHING ME--throughout the day.  Dad doesn't cut it, even though he's tried.  I've literally stepped on her feet about a dozen times in the last week, b/c she follows me like a shadow, keeping one hand on my leg.  Yesterday she was bawling, WEEPING and screaming when it was quiet time--she has to be in her room by herself.  Which we do every.single.day.  We had already had snuggle time and she still wanted me to be with her.  She was so distressed that she almost gagged herself into a vomit because her crying was so hysterical.  I'm not the professional, but I have to wonder/assume that this clinginess is in response to the talk about a new bro, knowing Mom & Dad are going to leave for a long time, and her older brother's aggressive behavior. Ugh.

Issues with my kids send me over the edge more than anything else in my life.  Not only does it completely drain me emotionally, but this is what I consider to be the most important job of my life, and when they are acting messed up it makes me feel like I've messed up.  I've received great encouragement from friends and wonderful support (and relief) from Trent and the grandparents, and I don't feel like this is hopeless, that this season will last, or that Asher's joining a jacked-up family.  :)  On the contrary, I'm really looking forward to just getting home and getting down to business--figure this new normal of being 5 instead of 4, instead of the long, LONG anticipation for all of us. 

Of course, that anticipation is also an emotional roller coaster!  The other day I read on Mama K's blog  about the day they got custody of their daughter.  The day she came to their hotel with all her earthly possessions.  The social worker said little S had not slept well the night before, because she knew what was coming.  Yeah.  NO KIDDING.  I can't even type that sentence without crying.  And when I think about the night this comes for Asher, I breakdown every time.  I know in my head that we are doing the right thing, and that time after time these toddlers heal from the trauma, but I cannot in my earthly mind comprehend what that would be like for a child to be told by their "mom" (even if it is a foster mom--they don't know the difference) that tomorrow I'm giving you to those strangers you met yesterday and you will never come back here. This is the last night you will ever sleep next to me.  It causes me physical pain to even imagine how our son will be feeling.  How will we even begin to help him through that?  How will I keep myself together emotionally and not be on the ground in the fetal, crying with him?  Maybe if I cry for the next 44 days I'll have it out of my system.  Probably not.

Sorry this post is a Debbie Downer.  But I've been pretty quiet on the blog for a while, and now you know why.  If you can't say something nice....just wait and write a really long and depressing post a few weeks later.  :)  Thank you all for your encouragement and support.  It really, TRULY helps and uplifts.  We've started our packing list (fun!) and cherishing good days and hours with our older kids.  We have a few special outings planned before we leave. They are very excited about Asher, picking out clothes and toys for him, talking about where he's going to sit at the table and on the couch when we have movie night.  Deciding which swing on the set will be "his."  I know we're gonna get through this.

In a moment of perfect timing, this week I am studying "ENOUGH" in my Bible study.  Talking about all the ways we feel we do not have enough, and how God provides.  This week is not about enough money or possessions, it is about not having enough patience, wisdom, time, energy, strength. I have to, HAVE TO trust that He will fill in the gap where I feel I am lacking.  I'm clinging to some well-known verses that have new light for me.  I guess this post is me "boasting" in my weakness.  I'm so glad that God can work, even in weakness.  Because we're all going to need some gap-filling: all 5 of us.

Each time he [the Lord] said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

The good....

Wow.  I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed these last few weeks...in many good ways and some not so good ways.  But one of my biggest blessings has been the hijacking of my blog to shower love on our family and our new son!  Thank you so much to my dear friend, Rory, who organized and implemented the most unique and creative e-event.  I'd never even heard of a blog baby shower, and now I've been the recipient of one!  I'm pretty sure she ponied up some major cash to cover those giveaways, because each of them helps another adoptive family, and that is SO Rory's thang, if you know what I mean.  Long before she and her husband decided to adopt (they are in process from Ethiopia) they were front and center of the support team for any adoption.  This couple has a heart, I mean a HUGE heart, for the orphans of this world, and they are walking the walk, people.  Thank you all for not batting an eye and jumping right on board to SHOWER us with love.  I can't wait to read the messages that were sent!

Speaking of messages, I'm continuing to be surprised, amazed, blessed, sustained and uplifted by my daily encourager!  That crazy Candace...I had no idea how far she intended this little love experiment to go.    With each new level or circle of friends that I hear from (old school family friends, cousins, in-laws, long-lost college friends...not to mention close friends and family) my cup just overflows!  Some people have gone above and beyond on their "Asher Day" as one friend called it.  They buy a gift for me, for the big kids, for Asher.  We have received things handmade, prayers and Scripture written out, things from our Amazon Asher wish list, and a piece of jewelry that has all THREE of my kids names on it!  But honestly, the wonderful gifts are just the icing on the cake to the DEEP and geniune support and prayers.  Those mean the most to me, b/c this little season is kicking my butt a bit.  But I'll save that for the next post...

One thing that happened last week, but I didn't want to interrupt the Blog Shower, was that we received another update on Asher!  I just cannot explain to you how it feels to see his face.  A new picture of him that we have not seen before. It's like a physical movement in my heart occurs!  I stare at the pictures and read the details (not that there are many) over and over and over.  I analyze little bumps on his face or guess what size his shoes are and wonder about the floor he's walking on and whether or not he's had a haircut.  It's especially meaningful now that we've seen pictures of him wearing clothes and holding items we've sent.  So they really do get there eventually!  If you'd like to see some of the pictures, check out our password protected blog HERE.  As usual, the password is my maiden name, all lower case.  Leave me a comment with your email if you'd like the password.

This is the first written update we've received since September.   The report says he still takes 6 bottles a day, but is also eating lots of food now.    He takes 2 naps a day, and sleeps at night from 7pm to 5am (!!!!!).  It says he is "active and naughty, climbing up on stairs, chairs and table."  The report goes on to say that he feels comfortable with all the members of the family and the neighbors, but still does not want to have anything to do with unfamiliar people.  When he is hungry, he says "eat chicken."  :)  The foster mother reports that he is easy to care for and usually cheerful, prefering to play with the foster mother's neice and nephew.  (Good news for Carson and Syd!)  The social worker says that the foster mother is preparing him for his adoptive placement by showing him pictures of his future family each night before bed.   I can't wait to meet this woman and attempt to begin to thank her for what she has done.  Is it even possible to convey?

We've also been steadily progressing through the ongoing redtape needed between first approval and travel.  I was very frustrated that we had a much larger window of time before travel, but I suppose it does ensure that everything gets where it needs to go and our dates won't change.  We got our i800 approval, which is from the USCIS, and they will forward that approval on to the embassy in Bangkok, where Asher's visa will be given when we are there.  We also BOUGHT OUR TICKETS!  This felt like a big deal to me.  It still seems very far off and unreal, but we leave the US on Wednesday, May 30, and return with our son on Tuesday, June 12.    We're flying Korean Airlines, which has a great reputation for customer service, especially for adoptive families.  The interesting part of the return flight is that we leave Bangkok at 1 in the morning, then spend 10 hours during the next day on the ground in Seoul, then fly through the night again to the US.  I am working on a detailed prayer list, and I can guarantee you that "Asher sleeping on the flights home" will be near the top of that list.  :)

So, those are some things to celebrate and be happy about!  Hopefully later this week I'll share some of the less shiny and glittery emotions and situations I've been experiencing as we get ready for this transition.  But for now, let's end on a good note!  45 days until we get to meet our son!

Showering Love on Asher: The Giveaways & WINNERS!

GIVEAWAY WINNERS!!




$50 Thirty One Gift Certificate goes to:


Aubry Maxson




$50 Just Love Coffee Gift Certificate goes to:


Maureen Hess




$100 Total Blog Makeover goes to:


Suzanne Lewis


One custom designed Cash Stash Wallet goes to:


Molly Nemecek


Please email me at woosterweester@aol.com so I can get you your prizes.


Thank you EVERYONE for showering Jen and Asher this week.
You all made this so fun!
I still have a little adding to do before I give the donation total, but I wanted to announce the winners bright and early this morning.:)
Thank you for blessing others!!




***




*It's Tuesday night 11:56 p.m. and I was going to do the drawing right after midnight but it looks like a few donations are still coming in.  This mama is gonna hit the hay and I will do the drawing in the morning...will hopefully announce the winners on here soon after!:)
Good night!


*Last Day!  Check bottom of post for update and a little something to sweeten the pot.


***
Okay folks, I think I've held you in suspense long enough!
If you're just now tuning in you need to go back and read here and here.


This is what we're up to:

Most of you are already pretty clued in to Jen's family's journey.  If you're not you should definitely go read her posts on her right side bar.  Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it is not without great pain and loss.  I'm going to leave it to Jen to write about that as she sees fit and as little A becomes part of their family.  What I want to touch on is the financial aspect.  It costs a LOT to bring a child home.  In fact it's usually in the neighborhood of $25,0000 to $50,000.   And that's just to bring them home! 


It is truly a faith journey and I know Jen can attest to the faithfulness of God to meet every need along the way.
And anyone who's seen his sweet face knows how worth it he is!
The.most.kissable.cheeks.
Ever.


In just a matter of weeks Jen and Trent are hopping on a plane to pickup their son.  (Is anyone else losing sleep over this exciting news or is it just me?!)
What I'd like to do is give you an opportunity to really blow this family's minds.  I'd like to send them off on their trip with extra money in hand.  


You know, kinda like this:

{source}


I don't want them to get all the way to Thailand and be worried about any extra expenses that might come up while there.  I want them to be able to purchase a gift or two for their children who have so patiently been waiting for their little brother to come home.  I'd like them to be able to buy a couple of special items for Asher, you know items that will hold special place because they are from his birth country, items they can give to him on special occasions as he grows up.  They may want to bless Asher's foster family while there.  They may need an extra meal or two on the way home.  And once they're home a whole new set of needs might pop up.  


Ladies, many of you know how crazy life is right after you bring home a new born (let alone a todder).  How nice would it be to know you had money to cover ordering a pizza when you've had a hectic day or to pay someone to come clean your house because you're too jetlagged to even know what day it is.  


See where I'm comin' from?
Let's do something about it!


I've set up a donate button up at the top right of Jen's sidebar.
For every $5 you give you'll be entered to win one of THREE great giveaways between now and Tuesday night at midnight.


$5 = 1 entry, $10 = 2 entries, and so on.


This is a great way to send some love their way, especially if you weren't going to be able to attend their local shower but still wanted to do something.  Give here and we'll make sure Jen gets the cash.


Cool huh?


Now, there is one more way you can be entered to win.
Obviously we really want to gift some funds to this super special family, but we ALSO want to bless them with our words.


Send your words of blessing, your Bible verses, your prayers in written form to woosterweester@aol.com.
I'll make sure to print them all out and give them to Jen.
Won't it be sweet to have Asher read those some day?


Let's recap.
1.  For every $5 donation you'll receive one entry into our giveaway.
2.  For every email blessing sent you'll receive one entry as well.


I'll draw the winners this Wednesday and hopefully have a post for you that day announcing the winners.  So if you enter make sure to check back to see if you've won!


Now on to the giveaways!!


We not only want to bless Asher.
We not only want to bless all of YOU fantastic people.
We want this shower to pay it forward.
And so, each giveaway item is helping to bring an orphan home!
I've attached some links so you can read more about each story.
I hope you all are having as much fun as I am at this!


We aren't all called to adopt, but we're all called to help orphans.
Someday you're going to get to look into the eyes of a little boy from Thailand and know that you were part of his forever homecoming.


Are you with me?!?!


Let's seriously BLOW their minds with our generosity and love.


Ready?
Set?
GO!


Click on the donate button, send me your emails, and check back on Wednesday for the winners of our giveaway!
  
$50 gift certificate to Thirty-One

This precious family brought home their son from Ethiopia last year.  They are currently raising funds to host a teenage orphaned girl from Russia this summer in hopes of finding her forever family before she ages out of the system.  You will fall in love with them and their story!
You can use your certificate to buy some unique purses, wallets, or other fun items from this site.


$50 gift certificate to Just Love Coffee

This family (who many of you probably know!) is working hard to bring their daughter home from Ethiopia.  This mama is quite the go-getter and talented too.  Coffee lovers will not only enjoy the taste of this coffee but love the variety of choices!


$100 Total Blog Makeover

This family has already brought their son home from Ethiopia and now they are bringing their next little one home from Ghana.  Lauren is not only a fantastic mommy but a skilled blog designer.  Check out some of her awesome work!Don't have a blog?Check out her other web design options!
Well what are you waiting for?Let's do this!
~Rory
Monday's post update:  It has been so fun to watch all of you crazy, wonderful people participate in showering Asher.As we close in on Tuesday's midnight deadline I wanted to let you know a couple things.1.  If you'd like to donate still but would rather send a check than use paypal just email me at woosterweester@aol.com  That way I'll be sure to get you entered in time and we'll figure the rest out from there.2.  Don't forget that you can bless Asher with words too!  This is all about you folks showering love in the way you want to.  Some of you may want to share funds and some may be thrilled to share written blessings~both are welcome and cherished!  Just email me your note at woosterweester@aol.com and I'll get you entered!:)
See you tomorrow for another update!
***
One more giveaway!
A custom designed wallet from Cash Stash Wallets

You can design your own envelope-style, Dave Ramsey inspired wallet.  You'll have your choice of  cute laminated cotton fabrics , 2, 4, or 6 "envelopes" and "budget categories."
You need to check these out!Jodi is one sweet lady and makes some CUTE wallets!She emailed me last night and offered to add this to the giveaways.  Isn't that awesome?!Someone who has never met Jen in person but just wants to bless her and Asher.  That's what it's about folks!
So now instead of 3 winners...there will be 4!!
See you later for an update.

Showering Love on Asher: The Party

WELCOME!

I am so thrilled you decided to join our little blog shower.

If you're just joining us and wondering where in the world Jen is this should explain it.

Now where was I?

Oh yes, back to welcoming you to our party.

Don't be shy.

Come on in!

I bet you've been wondering what exactly is a blog shower.

Well, I'll tell you.

No, better yet, I'll show you.

Remember when I said that a bunch of Jen's local peeps were throwing her a shower?  Amy, Kristen, and Becky are working away at hosting a shower for all of her local friends and family to attend...but...well, we realized that so many of you wouldn't be able to attend her actual shower because of distance or schedule (or the fact that you only know her via the web and showing up at her shower would be a wee bit stalker-esque--though I may not put it past some of you:).  We KNOW you want to be there to hug this girl, ooh and aah over the photos of little man, watch her open gifts, and grab hands with the rest of us when we pray for their family.  We know you've walked this journey with Jen and her family, that you've supported them in prayer, you've helped them fundraise, and that you want nothing more than to see this little boy come home to his forever family.  

So, my dear friends, this blog shower is for you!

And because this is a virtual shower we've spared no expense.

You're gonna have to play along and use your imagination a little, but I know you're up for it.

Step into the garden with us...

{source}

Beautiful, no?

You can find your seat where your hand embossed name tag sits.

Jen will be around soon to mingle with all of you.

In the meantime won't you help yourself to some h'ordeuvres?

 {source}

Amidst the sounds of laughter and a light breeze floating through the tent Jen will pass around Asher's photos and answer all your questions about their upcoming trip to bring him home.

You'll grin from ear to ear and find yourself fighting back a lump in your throat when you think about how loved this little boy is and he's not even here yet.

Cupcakes.

{source}

You spot 'em, only they're displayed more like this:

{source}

You've saved just enough room for one.

Okay, maybe two.

No one's counting weight watcher points today, am I right?

Point-free zone baby!:)

As you take that first bite of sugary goodness you hear a voice above the chatter of the ladies around you.

Time to take your seats.

It's present time.

Go on, scoot your chair in a little closer.

You know everybody by now so feel free to get cozy.

You look over at the gift table and see thoughtful displays of love and generosity wrapped up in blue and white.

{source}

Your gift is coming up next and you can't wait for her to open it.

Wanna know what you got her?

Do ya?

I can't WAIT to tell you!!


Only I'm gonna need a little help from you first.
Deal?
You won't regret it.
I promise I'm gonna make it fun.


Now that the scene is set, you're gonna need a few details before the showering commences.:)

There are two types of gifts you're giving at this blog shower which will be presented in REAL life.

One is a gift of words and the other of funds.

And... what shower would be complete without some gifts FOR the guests?!?!
Yes that's YOU!

While the shower may have been virtual up to this point I assure you the rest will be very real.  I'll explain in more detail the gifts for Jen and Asher in the next post AND I'll show you what several of you are gonna take home (fo' realz)--and you don't even have to play a single shower game!:)

Remember how I said Asher's name means "happy and blessed"?  

We want him to know this from the very start!

We not only believe our loving and giving will demonstrate that in his life but that his very presence in our midst will also cause US to feel happy and blessed.  Let's bring this sweetheart home, shall we?
Oooh I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

To sum up...

you're gonna get one more chance to give in HONOR of Asher

AND

you're gonna get several opportunities to receive BECAUSE of Asher.

Win Win.

See you in the next post!

~Rory

Hijacking Jen's blog..and it feels so good!

Hello friends, family, and fellow blog stalkers!

Jen's blog has officially been hijacked!!

(Cue maniacal laughter and adrenaline rush.  This stay at home mom needs to get out more.:)

I know you probably saw this pop up on your screen and were looking forward to Jen's witty, succinct, grammar perfect posts that leave you feeling like you just read a published article in your favorite magazine...but instead...

You get ME!

(Don't worry, you'll only have to put up with the large font, over-use of parenthesis, and smiley faces punctuating the end of each sentence for a short while.  There will probably be a gross misuse of capitalization that looks like I'm yelling at you through the screen but it's just 'cause I'm so doggone excited!! I promise it's for a good cause!)

See, here's the deal:

We ALL love Jen, even those of you who only know her over the internet, right?  I mean, that girl is so doggone lovable.  She is the friend everyone wishes they had.  I'm sure you'll agree that she is one amazing woman, and she's been on one incredible journey to bring her son home.

She and her awesome fam have worn the 2 + year wait well through more ups and downs that I can count, and it is almost time to bring their little man home.

(This is where you cheer and do repeated fist pumping in the air.)

We want to party like it's 1999 and we want all of YOU to be there!

There's a small tribe of talented people putting together a local shower for Jen, and as soon as I can I'll introduce them to you.  Seriously, they got some skilz.  So while those Pinterest-worthy ladies handle that piece I thought it'd be fun to chat with you folks and let you in on the fun.  There's more details to come, and as long as my children stay down for naps you'll get to read about them soon.

Get yourselves ready!

Asher's name means "happy and blessed" and we want him to know it from the get-go. 

So...

Stay tuned!

~Rory